


Mirror, Mirror

by SapphireSmoke



Category: Final Fantasy XIII Series
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Romance, Self-Hatred, Sibling Incest, Unhealthy Relationships, alter ego, psychological fuckery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-01-26 05:22:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 42,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1676294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphireSmoke/pseuds/SapphireSmoke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Serah wanted a mother, a sister, a lover. She <i>still</i> wanted all of those things, but if becoming all of those things for Lumina was the closest she could get to it, then she wasn’t going to just toss them aside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> **Beta:** [BellaRei713](http://www.fanfiction.net/u/641948/BellaRei713)  
>  **Timeline:** Post LR  
>  **A/N:** Originally this was supposed to be a one shot, but it’s gotten fairly long so I’ve decided to just split it up into parts. I’m estimating about five in total as of right now, and updates will be weekly.

  


**I.**  


“She’s afraid.”

Soft lips traced the curvature of Serah’s jaw, and the woman’s head tilted backwards as she exhaled a quiet breath. The words that were whispered against her skin went ignored, but not unheard. Just the sound of them resonated so deeply within Serah that it felt as though they had carved a hole into the pit of her stomach, and soon everything that she had buried deep inside of her – her guilt, her _shame_ – would come pouring out to stain the carpet below their feet. 

In the end though, that was most likely Lumina’s goal.

“She thinks she’s going crazy,” Lumina taunted, trying to garner a reaction as her fingers pulled apart Serah’s blouse, her warm palms covering a pair of taut nipples. Serah gasped hard at the feeling, and a wicked smirk crossed Lumina’s face as she pondered, “Do you enjoy it? Watching her wake up in the morning confused and distressed, all the while knowing _exactly_ where she’s been in the hours she’s missed? You must, right? Otherwise you’d tell her…”

“Stop it,” Serah demanded, grabbing Lumina’s wrist tightly in her hand before pulling her away from her breasts. The girl giggled, having always found something so amusing in the taunting of her sister. Why then, Serah insisted on having this sordid little affair, she didn’t know. It was nothing short of masochistic, and yet… she looked like her. She _was_ her. Sort of.

And it was that which bound her to the little demon.

“Please, Lumina,” Serah tried, a sense of tiredness behind her tone as she continued to firmly hold the girl’s wrist. “Today isn’t the day for games.”

“Why, because you and Snow got into a big fight?” Lumina questioned with a raised eyebrow, and Serah was so taken aback that she had even known that that her grip slackened, allowing Lumina to pull out of it. The girl took a step backwards and rolled her eyes. “Oh boo-hoo, what a tragedy. Remind me again why you’re bothering with him, when all you do is spend your time pining over Lightning like some love-starved stray?”

Serah shot her a glare. “I love Snow, you know that. Stop twisting things to make me look terrible.”

Lumina twirled on her heel. “Right, you love him so much that you’ve postponed the wedding… how many times is it now? Three?” Her gaze met Serah’s then, and she grinned like she knew all of her secrets. And she did, which was why Serah hated her. Yet at the same time, the love she held for Claire burned so fiercely inside of her that she couldn’t help but project it on this broken image of her sister’s youth.

It had become some sort of sickness.

Yet instead of dignifying Lumina’s inquiry with a response, Serah countered with a question of her own. “How did you know about what happened between Snow and I today? You weren’t around for that.”

Lumina looked at her like she was being thick. “I don’t sleep, silly. Not like Lightning does.” She sauntered over to her then, with so much more sexuality and purpose than someone her physical age should really have, and Serah couldn’t find it within herself to stop her when Lumina pressed her palm to her chest, guiding her to sit on the edge of her bed. “She enjoys it, you know; when you two fight. It’s her guilty little pleasure, watching your relationship crumble to pieces.”

As Lumina straddled her lap, Serah’s hand shot out to stop her from getting too close. “You’re lying,” she accused, but the words got caught in the back of her throat. The possibility of it both hurt and thrilled her, because on one hand she was devastated by the idea of Lightning enjoying her pain, but on the other, a small part of her foolishly hoped that it was because she was jealous. But that was stupid, wasn’t it, because Serah knew her sister; she knew Lightning could never look at her in that way. She loved her too much to taint it with something as dark as this.

Lumina cocked her head to the side and grinned. “Am I? I could be. After all, it _is_ fun to watch you get all riled up…” She leaned in for a kiss then, but Serah scowled and pushed her away as she turned her head. Lumina’s expression suddenly crumbled.

“I already told you once that I wasn’t in the mood for this today,” Serah reprimanded, trying not to focus on how she sometimes used her ‘teacher voice’ with the girl atop her. It really made the situation all the more vile, because it really put into factor the difference in their maturity. “Just go to your room until Lightning wakes up. I have work in the morning and I need to sleep.”

“What? No,” Lumina protested, pouting as she scrambled for Serah’s attentions. “I was only teasing, Serah; don’t send me away. It’s boring in there!”

“Then maybe you should have thought of that before you deliberately pushed me. You know I don’t like when you do that.”

“I’ll be good, I promise!” Lumina pleaded, reaching out to lightly brush her fingers across the curvature of Serah’s jaw, coaxing her gaze back to her. “Come on, sis,” she tried, her voice taking on a sickly sweet tone that was nothing like how she usually spoke to her. But Lumina knew her weaknesses, knew Serah had a hard time pushing her away when she sounded like she cared, because that was all she wanted from Lightning; this kind of attention, this kind of love and devotion. Lumina’s thumb dusked her bottom lip as she cradled her sister’s face in her hand, bringing their mouths just a hair’s width apart. 

“Don’t be a spoil-sport,” she breathed, the words tickling Serah’s lips as she herself pouted in protest. “I know you need me; you always need me whenever you fight with Snow. I can make it better…”

She really couldn’t, and yet Serah didn’t know how to stop her when Lumina allowed her lips to press gently against her own. Nothing could make it better; she was destroying a relationship she was perfectly content with due to her twisted infatuation with her own sister; betraying Snow almost daily as she bedded a mirror image of the woman that she loved. Nothing about this was alright, and yet Serah had sunk too deeply into the fantasy that she no longer knew how to escape it. She knew Lumina wasn’t real; she was barely a whole person, only bits and pieces of Claire being manifested into this teenage nightmare that Serah couldn’t find it within herself to let go of.

Because _this_ Claire… this one craved her touch, her love, her attention. Lumina might have the tendency to be cruel, but there was also another side of her that had grown attached to the kind of love and adoration that Serah was able to give her. It was why she obeyed her; at least most of the time. Lumina not only found an older sister in Serah, but she also found a sort of mother figure. Which was incredibly disturbing in and of itself, because it made Serah realize that she was acting out some kind of backwards fantasy; it was making real all the times she laid in bed at Lumina’s age, wishing Lightning would take care of her the way she was taking care of Lumina now. Serah wanted a mother, a sister, a lover. She _still_ wanted all of those things, but if becoming all of those things for Lumina was the closest she could get to it, then she wasn’t going to just toss it aside. She needed it, needed _her;_ it was all she had ever thought about for years.

The entire situation was utterly depraved; so much so that she could barely look her own sister in the eyes anymore. Yet Lumina’s touch was like a drug to her, and it was as though she fell into it now without any conscious thought, as suddenly she was on her back as lips were placed gently along her inner thigh. And she knew she should feel disgusted with herself, looking downwards as her gaze connected with Lumina’s wide, innocent eyes. But it was all an act, she reasoned with herself, because Lumina might look young, but she was far from innocent. She just liked playing that way, because she had realized that it was one of Serah’s darkest desires. When she was her age, she had often touched herself to the thought of kneeling between her sister’s legs, looking up at her with excitement and trepidation before begging to be taught how to please her.

_What do you want me to do to you? I’ll do anything, Claire. I want to make you feel good, just teach me how…_

The thought of it caused a hot wave of shame to roll up Serah’s spine, and she had to cover her face as Lumina gently removed her underwear. Why, _why_ was she doing this? There was something so wrong with her; something sick, something _broken…_

“Tell me,” Lumina coaxed softly, her nails lightly raking up the inside of Serah’s thigh. The girl’s wanton gaze twisted her stomach into knots, a small flutter of excitement rushing downwards to settle between her legs. Maker, she shouldn’t want this… “Tell me what you want me to do. I can be good for you, sis, just tell me how…”

It was disturbing, how well Lumina could read her; maybe even more than what was happening at that moment.

Lumina’s words had thrown her into this mirrored projection of a long time fantasy, and Serah groaned as she felt herself tighten with need. The girl between her thighs grinned, having watched her sister’s muscles contract from only her words, and she allowed her fingers to gently dust over Serah’s most intimate area. The touch caused the woman to shudder and fist the sheets, and Lumina bit back a smirk before placing her lips against the inside of Serah’s knee. 

“Teach me how to make you come, Serah…”

Lumina had known perfectly well what made her come by now, and yet Serah fed into the lie as her mind clouded and her body was set ablaze. “Kiss me,” she instructed, her fingers sliding past a small patch of hair and into slick, wet heat. “Here. _Gently,_ Lumina…”

It made it so much better, in a way, to feel as though she were corrupting Lumina, exactly in the way that she herself ached to be corrupted. By now it was all a lie, Lumina having been bedding her for the better part of the last few months, but it was a lie Serah could immerse herself in, because she constantly told herself that it wasn’t real. It was how she justified it, despite knowing that she was just grasping at straws. If she hadn’t been, then she wouldn’t erupt in this fierce sense of shame and self-disgust every time she met Lightning’s eye.

It was almost unbearable, and she and Lightning’s relationship had suffered for it. Serah would avoid her at all costs, only making herself available at the times Lumina was around, because _that_ was the only version of Claire that knew, that accepted, that immersed herself in Serah’s depravity. But she missed her, devastatingly so; Serah missed just hanging out with her big sister, talking about nothing and everything and laughing at the most stupid of things. But now, every time she looked at Lightning, she had this overwhelming feeling of guilt. She felt like in a way, she was betraying her by being with Lumina; possibly even taking advantage of her, because despite having Lumina’s consent, they still shared a body. They both couldn’t exist at the same time; not anymore.

Serah wished she knew why, but at the same time, didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth, so she didn’t ask questions. She just accepted it as something that was happening now, because it was she who was benefiting the most from it.

A sharp gasp ripped its way past Serah’s lips as Lumina suddenly went from gentle, to an all-out assault on her clitoris, causing the older girl’s back to arch and her palm to slam heavily against the headboard of her bed. Throwing one of her arms over her eyes, Serah panted out her approval as she tried, desperately, to not think about why this was so much better than when she slept with Snow. A part of her hoped that it was simply because she was gay, but deep down she knew, she _knew_ that it was because it was wrong. It was Lumina, a part of Lightning, and it was so goddamn _wrong._

Serah’s demand for Lumina to kiss her was breathless and desperate, her fingers wrapping around the girl’s arm as she practically pulled her towards her. When their lips collided Serah could taste herself on Lumina’s tongue, and she devoured her mouth with renewed vigor as she began tearing at the girl’s clothing. The rest of her own were removed just as quickly, before suddenly Serah cried out in a mixture of pain and pleasure, Lumina having sunk her teeth into the base of her neck. 

Apparently, she had grown tired of playing innocent. 

Serah’s fingers dug into supple flesh, her nails just barely piercing the skin as she guided Lumina’s sex against her own. They ground into each other, their pelvic bones pressing hard enough to cause bruises, and Serah watched as pleasure etched itself across Lumina’s face and she breathed out a quiet, needy, “ _Fuck…”_

“No,” Serah demanded, her chest heaving and her cheeks turning a deep crimson. “Don’t. Don’t swear.”

“Why, because you think your precious _Lightning_ wouldn’t?” Lumina demanded, her tone sharp as a razor as a flicker of anger showed behind her deep blue eyes. Serah’s chest constricted, knowing this was dangerous territory to find herself falling into. 

Lumina wasn’t stupid; she knew Serah fucked her for the sole reason that she was but a mere shadow of the woman she fell in love with as a girl, but that didn’t mean she was entirely happy with it either. There were times when she gladly reaped the advantages of it, but then there were others where she almost acted as though she were _jealous_ of Serah’s unhealthy little obsession with her older sister. Lumina was still a child though, still dominated by her uncontrollable emotions, and while she wasn’t an entirely whole person, she was whole enough to feel used. And she was being used, but at the same time, it was still far more complicated than just that. Serah had grown attached, seeing parts of her sister that she thought were long dead, and thus feared upsetting Lumina because she couldn’t bear for her to leave her.

“No,” Serah lied, although that was entirely the reason why. Lightning, she just… didn’t seem like the type. Not as she was now, anyway. Reaching up, she cupped Lumina’s cheek, allowing her thumb to lightly dusk her bottom lip. “You know I just like you innocent, Lumina, so can you be that for me…? You asked me what I wanted you to do before and that— that’s just what I need right now.”

Lumina looked down at her, and Serah wished she could read her expression, but for the life of her, she just didn’t know how; it was too conflicted. And then Lumina moved her hips; slowly, purposefully, causing Serah to grasp the bed sheets and let out a shallow moan. So she thought she had convinced her, thought it was over, but then Lumina opened her mouth again.

“You don’t know her,” she accused, and although the words probably weren’t meant to be that harsh, they still hit Serah like a punch in the gut, because she thought she knew Lightning better than anybody. “I see her, I see what she does at night; hear what she _says_ at night, when she thinks she’s alone. She hasn’t changed, cause we’re still the same, you know; her and I, no matter _how_ much she tries to pretend otherwise.”

Serah tried to speak, but Lumina wouldn’t let her. The girl was breathing heavily herself, but whatever was driving her was keeping her pleasure at bay until she was ready to really feel it. Serah, on the other hand, wasn’t dictating the pacing or pressure at all, and so Lumina had her completely at her mercy as she made every nerve ending in her body spark to life and alight with a roaring fire. And so instead of words, the only thing that escaped Serah’s lips was a pleading moan, as she grasped for Lumina’s hips and begged the girl with her eyes to just leave it be.

But she didn’t. Instead she shot her a wicked grin and leaned down, pressing her lips to the edge of Serah’s cheek.

“She bites the skin on the back of her hand, you know,” Lumina breathed into her ear, the quiet words causing a noticeable shiver to run down Serah’s spine. “Right before she comes, right after she swears… _and says someone’s name._ ”

Serah’s eyes widened as suddenly a fierce sense of jealousy and despair washed through her body. She didn’t—she hadn’t thought Lightning was interested in anyone, and it had made it easier in a way; easier than watching her parade around with some unworthy person on her arm. Because Serah didn’t care who they were, she just knew they weren’t good enough for her sister; they couldn’t be, not like… not like _she_ would be…

“Stop it!” Serah demanded furiously, hitting Lumina’s shoulder hard enough to cause the girl to sit up on her. She didn’t want to think about that; she didn’t want to even fathom that it was true, and so she rapidly convinced herself that Lumina was lying to her just to get a rise out of her. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you before, so why are you doing this to me now?”

“What?” Lumina asked innocently, tilting her head to the side as she looked down at her. But even through the façade, Serah could see the hint of cruelty behind her eyes; she _was_ doing this on purpose. “You don’t want to know who it is? It could be you…”

“Don’t insult me,” Serah snapped, out of breath and suddenly furious as she tried to push Lumina off of her. But while the girl might be smaller in stature, she still had the upper hand from being on top; and with gravity on her side, Lumina was able to push Serah right back down again and pin her wrists to the bed.

“No, I’m not done!” she cried, almost sounding like she was throwing a damn tantrum over possibly being denied an orgasm. But that wasn’t it at all. “I want to fuck you, Serah; I want to be good for you, _not_ her! You should love me; _you should love me!_ ”

Serah’s eyes widened, her heart constricting in her chest as the anger she felt made way to panic. She hadn’t wanted to upset Lumina this badly, and out of fear that the girl would end things if she didn’t make it right, Serah grasped for her. “Shhh, shhh,” she hushed her. “I do—of course I love you. I have never lied to you about that. I would never.”

A wave of emotions passed over Lumina’s face as she pursed her lips and looked down at her. Serah should have expected this; Lumina was entirely made up of all the things Lightning didn’t like about herself, so much that it made the girl’s personality seem very erratic. Claire’s ability to handle her own emotions, to deal with them in a mature way, had stayed with Lightning, and thus Lumina had no way to stop herself; once she felt something, she expressed it. She didn’t know how to do anything else.

“Do you promise?” she asked softly, her voice suddenly sounding much more hesitant and childlike.

Serah’s lips upturned into a sympathetic smile as she brushed a few strands of hair away from Lumina’s eyes. “I promise,” she responded softly, because she did. Despite what it was that attached her to Lumina, it didn’t change the fact that she loved her sister; because that’s what Lumina was. She might be a broken, mirrored image of Claire, but she was _still_ her, and Serah had enough love in her heart for both sides of her sister. 

Weaving their fingers together, Serah coaxed her down with a whispered, “Come here.” Lumina came to her, and Serah encouraged her to roll over so that it was Lumina who now was on her back, the older Farron hovering over her lithe form. “I’ll show you,” Serah promised, her lips brushing over the expanse of the girl’s chest, then downwards to nip at the skin around her bellybutton. “I’ll show you how much I love you. I’ll show you how much I appreciate you.”

Gently sliding Lumina’s knee towards the ceiling, Serah placed the girl’s leg over her shoulder and kissed the inside of her thigh. As her fingers trailed further downwards, Serah’s gaze flickered from Lumina’s face to the apex between her thighs. She often wondered if Lumina was a perfect duplicate of Lightning, albeit a younger one in the midst of puberty. Her breasts were most certainly smaller, and her stature much shorter, but from what Serah could remember, Lumina looked startlingly similar to how Lightning did when she was that age. So she couldn’t help but wonder if… _other_ things were relatively the same as well.

She hoped so. After all, this was the closest she was ever going to get.

As Serah leaned over her, she took Lumina’s leg with her until it was almost stretched to its capacity. The girl below her exhaled a soft whimper as Serah entered her with two fingers, groaning herself at how tight she still was. She kept her eyes trained on Lumina’s face, watching as her movements inside of her caused the girl’s eyelashes to flutter and her pupils to dilate. Lumina’s breathing was raw and shallow as Serah rubbed tenderly against the sensitive spot inside of her, just enough to tease her slowly and gently towards the edge.

Usually whenever she was inside of her, Serah took the girl roughly and without any precedence. Lumina was like an animal in bed; one that spent their life in a cage and was finally tasting the freedom of release. Which Serah supposed she understood, as Lightning tried to suffocate the life out of her long ago; she kept her hidden and contained, just waiting for her to die on her own. But she hadn’t. Bhunivelze had ripped the girl completely from the prison Lightning had kept her in, finally giving Lumina chance to breathe and the freedom to express everything that made her _her._

Serah had to wonder if Lumina was the reason she never saw her sister get involved with anyone. She wondered if this side of her was just another thing that Lightning hated about herself; because it distracted her, because it wasn’t practical, because it was wild and unpredictable. The more Serah thought on it, the more she realized that it would make a lot of sense if that was the case, because sex and love really did seem like something Lightning would throw away under the guise of maturity and responsibility. Lightning liked things simple, and emotional entanglements like this were anything but.

Still, for all of Lumina’s passion, for once it didn’t seem as though she desired for Serah to practically violate her in any way she saw fit. Instead she allowed her sister to fuck her slowly, purposefully, as she stared into identical blue eyes. The only sound in the room was erratic, labored breaths, and it seemed as though the silence otherwise had enveloped them. Lumina was waiting, curiosity in her eyes as she awaited Serah’s next move. This shift between them was completely unprecedented. 

“You were my first,” Serah told her softly, still moving her fingers inside the other girl’s body; twisting them just enough that they caused Lumina’s breath to hitch in the back of her throat. “My first fantasy. Did you know that…?”

Lumina’s eyes clouded over. “ _She—_ ”

“No,” Serah interrupted, needing the girl beneath her to understand. “I was twelve, Lumina. I barely—” _knew what I was doing,_ “but when I… what I thought of; it was you.”

A small whimper got caught in the back of Lumina’s throat as Serah put just a little more pressure on her G spot, still coaxing her ever so slowly towards the edge. The girl’s lashes fluttered as she sucked in a sharp breath, trying to fight the haze in her mind so she could formulate a response. When her eyes finally found their focus, Lumina stared up at Serah, her lips gently parted in surprise as she did the math on that.

“She looked like… me, then.”

“No,” Serah corrected, needing Lumina to stop differentiating; maybe to even stop differentiating herself, as it was only making things harder on the both of them. Her breath tickled the younger girl’s lips as she leaned in, putting more pressure on her hand as she made every thrust firmer now; dedicated, purposeful. “ _You_ looked like you. You’re a part of her, aren’t you? Your name is Claire Farron, and you’re my sister. You’re my sister and I _love_ you.”

“I’m… not even real,” Lumina gasped out, her fingers digging into Serah’s flesh as the sensations Serah was giving her made her involuntarily shudder. “I’m not whole, not even a person. She won’t let me be, because she doesn’t love me; she doesn’t want me.” A small tear formed at the corner of Lumina’s eye, and with one blink it was running down the contour of her cheek. “I wanna be real, Serah... why isn’t it my turn yet?”

Serah’s chest constricted at the sight. It broke her heart, to see what her sister was doing to herself. She threw away all of the parts of her that couldn’t even function on their own. Lumina had no discipline, no restraint, no maturity. She was stuck with everything and anything that Lightning hated, making her entire being nothing more than a badly stitched together patchwork doll. For Lumina to be real, Lightning had to accept her back into her heart, and then they would finally both be made whole.

But how? Serah had believed that Lightning had done so before, but Lumina’s presence here was indication enough that she hadn’t. At least, not fully; as now the girl was still tethered to Lightning, sharing a body with her instead of separating completely. Serah wished she knew what it was that caused Lightning to have second thoughts about needing that part of herself back, but for now all she could do was try to comfort the part of her sister that feared, that longed, that cried.

“You’re real to _me,_ ” Serah told her passionately, cupping Lumina’s cheek with her free hand as she dragged her thumb across the girl’s bottom lip, staring deep into her eyes. “And I promise you, even if Lightning never wants you, I always will.” Emotion choked up Serah’s voice then, but she continued, because Lumina had to know. “I know you… I know you get mad sometimes, about how much I love her, but what you don’t understand is that I’ve always loved her; long before she tried to hide you away. I love all of my sister, _all_ of Claire, and that includes you, Lumina. I will _always_ cherish you.”

Lumina’s breathing was still shallow, Serah having refused to stop showing her the meaning behind her words. Her eyes were still watery, but no more tears fell as she blinked a few times, taking a shuddered inhale of breath as uncertainty and fear shown behind her gaze. “So I’m not bad?” she asked softly, sounding so much like the self-conscious child Lightning hated having once been.

“No,” Serah assured her strongly, despite feeling as though her heart was cracking straight down the middle. “ _No,_ sweetheart; you’re not bad. Just because Lightning can’t understand why she needs you, doesn’t make you something awful. You and her, you’re both perfect… just the way you are. I’m just sorry she can’t see that.”

Serah gave her a soft, sympathetic smile before she leaned down, covering Lumina’s lips with her own. It destroyed her inside, to have realized how unwanted Lumina felt. It honestly made Serah feel _terrible,_ because she had spent so much of her time fantasizing over the Claire that was older, that she remembered growing up and falling in love with, that she kept looking at Lumina like she was some cheap copy. But she wasn’t, because she was part of the reason.

She was there at first, tethered to Claire when Serah had first realized that she loved her sister more than she probably should. But over the years, Lightning’s suffocation of Lumina had almost made Serah forget that she even existed. But she could see it now; could see her sister’s vulnerability and her fear behind her crystal blue eyes, could taste her desperation for acceptance and her touch that craved to be loved. Serah could feel it all; everything Lightning deemed to be weakness, and it broke her heart because it was _this_ part of her sister that Serah first fell in love with. Lightning… she _admired_ her, idealized her and fantasized about her, but Lumina’s gentle smiles and playful disposition was what drew Serah to her sister in the first place.

The realization was almost enough for Serah to ache for Lightning to accept Lumina back into her heart, to become the person she was always meant to be, but then where would that leave her? It was selfish; awful and selfish and _terrible,_ but Serah didn’t want to be left alone. She feared Lumina was only with her because she was the part of Lightning that was impulsive, irrational, and blatantly sexual. She didn’t feel guilt, or any sense of moral wrongness in doing this with her own sister. But Lightning… Lightning _would._

And Serah couldn’t take that chance. Lumina was all that she _had;_ she couldn’t lose her.

Tiny beads of sweat began to litter Serah’s brow as she straddled one of Lumina’s legs, pushing her thigh up against her hand as she fucked her deeper, harder, faster; the movement causing her center to grind against the girl’s supple flesh. It sent sparks to every nerve ending in her body and as she devoured Lumina’s mouth, stealing her desperate pleas for release, for love, storing them deep within her heart while promising herself that she would always give them to her, because Lumina truly did deserve them just as much as Lightning did.

She was saying her name. The sound was muffled and broken, but Serah felt it etch against her lips as Lumina grasped for her, the movement clumsy and desperate as her nails left red marks on the skin of her back. And all Serah could do was choke up, finding something so perfect in this moment that it made her feel so terribly guilty. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she panted against Lumina’s lips, unable to say anything but that, for it was all she felt. The girl probably believed she was still talking about Lightning’s rejection of her, but she wasn’t; it was her own.

_I’m sorry I never appreciated you. I’m sorry I didn’t think you were enough._

Lumina tore her mouth away as her back began to arch, a cry of pleasure falling from her lips as her eyes suddenly flung open. “Serah!” she gasped, but it sounded almost fearful, apologetic, and frantic. “She’s coming…!”

Suddenly, Serah couldn’t move; she couldn’t even breathe. But it didn’t matter, because Lumina didn’t need her to keep going, as she was already there. She came with a shout, and as she fell back to the bed, she struggled through her haze to push her sister’s shoulder with the little strength she had. “Run,” she told her breathlessly, before something inky and black began to surround her body.

Serah flew off the bed in an instant, nearly tripping over her own two feet as her body was dealt a nasty shock from the sudden change in emotions. She didn’t know where she was running to, she just knew she had to get out of there before Lightning came to and realized she had just been fucking her own sister. The world blurred around her as Serah stumbled into the first room she could find, closing and locking the door behind her before she leaned against it, pressed her hand to her mouth, and let out a strangled sob.

She was going to know. Lightning was going to know, and then everything was going to come crumbling down; and Maker, Serah didn’t know what to do.

[x]

Lightning Farron did not _panic._ She had been through extensive military training where she was taught to analyze even the most strenuous of situations with a level head in order to figure out her next move. However, no amount of training would have ever prepared her for what she awoke to, and now Lightning was having trouble even taking her next _breath,_ let alone trying to think of how she got into this situation or how to get out of it unnoticed.

She was completely naked on Serah’s bed, covered in sweat and other bodily fluids that Lightning prayed was just her own. But she was alone, which Lightning wished gave her some semblance of comfort – as perhaps she had just masturbated on her sister’s bed – but even that thought revealed a whole other set of problems and fears that threatened to crush her whole, because clearly these black outs she’d been having were robbing her of her impulse control, and that was dangerous.

Maker, if she had hurt Serah…

Lightning felt her throat constrict at the thought, so hard that it shot pain all the way down her esophagus. Scrambling out of the bed, Lightning wished she had time to analyze her surroundings to try to figure out what had happened, but she was so fearful of Serah finding her in there in her current state – if the girl wasn’t painfully aware of it already – that she could think of nothing else but slipping out unnoticed. She wouldn’t know how to explain it if Serah caught her; she barely understood it herself.

Her legs felt weak as Lightning quickly made her way to the threshold of her sister’s door. It was wide open; which either meant Serah got away from whatever she was doing to her, or in her blacked out stupidity, Lightning hadn’t cared about masturbating where anyone could walk by and see. She prayed it was the latter. After taking a deep breath and willing herself to calm down, at least for a second, Lightning peeked her head out from around the corner. The hallway was completely empty, but there was a singular light on in the bathroom, and Lightning was certain she could hear the shower running.

That was either a really good sign, as Serah took fairly long showers and perhaps never knew what Lightning was doing; or a really _terrible_ one, and now her sister was washing off the traces of whatever she had forced on her.

Lightning felt sick.

Forcing down her bile, Lightning fled from her sister’s room and into her own, closing the door behind her before she frantically searched for clothes. She didn’t know what to do, but she knew she had to somehow find out what happened. Her vision was blurring as she threw on an oversized t-shirt and a pair of low cut shorts, and Lightning had to remind herself to breathe before she ended up passing out. But it wasn’t working, and suddenly Lightning felt her knees give out as she collapsed in a ball on the floor, tears streaming down her cheeks as she prayed to any God that was left that she hadn’t done something unfathomable to her baby sister.

Lightning knew she was sick; she had known it from a very young age when she accidently walked in on Serah in the bathtub and couldn’t get the image of her sister’s naked body out of her head for weeks. She had thought she would grow out of it, but she hadn’t; if anything, her infatuation only grew with time. It sickened her, but no matter how often she tried to lay her focus on something or someone else, Lightning couldn’t stop imagining what it would be like to be allowed to touch her. It was something she had learned to suppress though; to ignore, save the times few and far between that she would finally give into the fantasy, and come by her own hand with Serah’s name on her lips. But it was only supposed to curb her desire, not fuel it. But now… with the black outs she had been having lately, Lightning was afraid that she had lost all sense of self control, and that—that was _so_ dangerous for Serah, because all Lightning had ever wanted was her. 

Serah was, and always would be, her one and only focus in this world.

It took a few minutes for Lightning to pull herself together, but when she finally stood she reminded herself that the most important thing right now was Serah, and seeing if she was okay. No matter what had or hadn’t happened, Lightning had to know that she hadn’t scarred her sister for the rest of her young life. Serah’s wellbeing came first; everything else could wait.

Sucking in a shaky breath, Lightning steeled her resolve, and exited her bedroom. 

The bathroom door opened at nearly the same time, startling both of the Farron sisters so badly that Lightning noticeably jumped and Serah shrieked, clutching her towel to her form as her back collided with the threshold. Both of them just stared at each other, unmoving and unspeaking, until Serah forcefully looked away and asked her in an odd tone, “What… what are you still doing up?”

“I…” Lightning tried, wishing she could read her sister’s expression, but unable to do so for the life of her. It’d been like that lately though, with the two of them drifting farther and farther apart. Lightning wished she knew why, but at the same time, was terrified of the answer given her current condition. “I just… wanted to see if you were alright.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Serah countered, but her voice still held that funny tone that set off warning bells in Lightning’s head. Serah was clearly hiding something, but Lightning also knew that she had gotten into a pretty nasty fight with Snow earlier today, so for all she knew, it could be about that.

She _prayed_ it was about that.

“There’s just…” Lightning began, but found she couldn’t continue. She wanted to tell Serah what was going on; confide in her that she could no longer remember significant chunks of her day and she was terrified of what she did during those time periods, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, she gently grasped her sister’s wrist and looked her imploringly. “You would… _tell_ me though, if something was wrong? Because the last thing I want is to see you hurt, Serah.”

Panic briefly showed behind her sister’s eyes, and Lightning felt her stomach drop as she hastily let go of her, fearing that it was her who had caused such a reaction. But maybe it wasn’t, because Serah’s gaze dropped to the floor, and the words that fell from her lips weren’t about her at all. “It’s—it’s nothing,” Serah tried to assure her, even though the way she said it made it sound like it was everything. “Snow and I are just fighting, that’s all.”

Lightning released a breath of air she hadn’t realized she had been holding, a wave of relief washing down her spine. So it wasn’t about her, which meant she definitely didn’t do anything to Serah, and it was unlikely that Serah had seen what _she_ had done in her bed. Even though Lightning, by all rational reasoning, was still terrified about what was going on with her and why, that at least lifted a huge weight off of her chest. 

“Oh,” Lightning responded, even though she already knew that much; she had heard them screaming at one another on the porch this morning. From what she overheard, Snow was convinced that Serah was postponing the wedding for the umpteenth time because she was cheating on him, which had apparently insulted and infuriated her sister to no end. “Do you… want to talk about it?”

Lightning knew what the answer would be before she even asked, however.

“No, it’s… I’ll be fine,” Serah assured her, feigning a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Serah never wanted to talk with her, not anymore. Lightning couldn’t even remember the last time they had been around each other for more than five minutes. “Besides, it’s late, and I have work in the morning.”

Lightning tried to suppress her disappoint, as perhaps it was best that they didn’t talk right now. She was still pretty shaken up about what had happened, but still… she hated that Serah felt like she couldn’t talk to her anymore. And if she didn’t know any better, she would be afraid that her sister was constantly going out of her way to avoid her. But maybe that was stupid, because Serah had a lot of things going on in her life; she was an adult now, and her world no longer revolved around Lightning.

So instead of trying to get her to stay, Lightning just gave her a short nod and relented, “Alright. Goodnight, Serah.”

But after Serah had said her goodnight and turned towards her room, Lightning exhaled a quiet gasp at the image she was confronted with. Serah whipped around, clutching the towel to her chest as she demanded, “What?” sounding completely terrified all of a sudden. 

“Your back.”

It was covered in fresh scratch marks, and as Serah turned around to look at her backside in the hall mirror, her face noticeably paled. “That’s… uh. I-I mean, that’s probably just…”

“Who did that to you?” Lightning demanded, wishing her voice wasn’t shaking and that she didn’t feel like she was going to vomit. Because even though logic indicated that whoever it was, it couldn’t have been her – as Serah most certainly would have been acting much differently than this if she had raped her not an hour previously – Lightning was still irrationally terrified that it was of her own doing.

“I was just… hiking in the woods earlier, and I guess maybe some of the branches—”

“ _Serah._ ” Lightning knew she was being lied to, and Serah had to avert her gaze as a fresh blush crept across her cheeks. She looked ashamed of herself.

“It was… Snow, okay?” she forced herself to get out, her hand clutching the towel to her body so tightly now that her knuckles flashed white. “And it was consensual so don’t—please don’t yell at him for it or anything. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s my own; I asked him to do it.”

The mental image of _that_ made Lightning want to punch a hole clear through the wall, but she kept herself still because it didn’t matter; Serah was still lying to her. She could hear it in her tone. Still, if it had been her, it didn’t make sense that Serah would lie to her and cover it up, regardless of if Lightning remembered doing it or not. So the woman just eyed her sister suspiciously, and silence washed between the two Farron women for a moment.

“Serah,” Lightning began softly, hesitantly. “ _Are_ you cheating on Snow?”

Serah clenched her jaw, but she never gave Lightning the answer she wanted to hear. In fact, she didn’t give Lightning an answer at all. Instead she turned back towards her room, and reiterated, “It’s late. I need to sleep.”

And then she disappeared into her room, practically slamming the door closed in her wake, and Lightning exhaled a heavy breath as she slumped against the wall. Either that was a yes, she had been cheating on Snow, or that was an indication that Serah was now furious with her for even daring to think that it was a possibility. Lightning doubted she’d ever get a straight answer either, as it wasn’t as though Serah was telling her any of her secrets anymore. That time had long passed.

Lightning closed her eyes momentarily though, and tried to push that out of her mind. Right now, what was going on with Serah wasn’t the important thing, as thankfully she wasn’t severely damaged by whatever was going on in her life at the moment. Lightning, however, _was._ And should she ever hope to trust herself around Serah again, she needed to find out what was happening to her, and how to make it stop. 

Otherwise, the next time this happened, it could be far worse than just masturbating in her sister’s bed.

**TBC…**


	2. II

**II.**

When Serah came home from work the next morning, she nearly jumped out of her skin as she was confronted with the image of Lumina sitting atop the bookshelf in the living room, kicking out her feet like she didn’t have a care in the world. “What do you think you’re doing up there?” Serah demanded, her chest constricting in worry. “Get down before you hurt yourself!”

Lumina rolled her eyes. “It’s not even that high—”

“ _Now,_ Lumina!”

Exhaling a frustrated breath, Lumina jumped off the bookshelf. Serah just thought she would climb down, and as such found herself scared for a second that Lumina was going to sprain her ankle, but as she hurried towards her in some vain attempt to help break her fall, it turned out it wasn’t needed as Lumina landed heavily on the couch. It didn’t sound all that good for the upholstery, and Serah felt the onset of a headache as she exclaimed, “Careful! If you break it—”

“You can just buy a new one,” Lumina finished for her, an unspoken ‘duh’ in her tone. She shrugged as she rose up on her knees, flicking at the fabric on one of the armrests. “This one’s ugly anyway, so really I’d be doing you a favor.”

Serah shot her a disbelieving look, turning away as she shook her head. “Money doesn’t grow on _trees_ , Lumina.” After rounding the corner and heading into the kitchen, Serah grabbed a bottle of wine from the rack and placed it on the counter. “And I’m the only one working right now; my salary can barely cover rent, let alone a new couch.”

Ever since they got to the new world, Lightning had been putting off finding another job. At first, it was because she simply needed to readjust to being human again, as so much time without that part of her had left her feeling rather disoriented once she got it back. Serah had understood, and truthfully just thought that after everything Lightning had done, the woman deserved a bit of a break. That was why Serah was living here with her, instead of with her fiancée; she wanted to be the one to take care of Lightning for a bit. Serah knew she owed her that much at least, as Lightning had saved and taken care of her more times than she could even count. But months had passed, and now Serah was starting to think that Lightning wasn’t looking for another job because of what was happening with Lumina.

After all, a soldier that was having black outs was a huge liability.

It made Serah feel terrible, as she was basically furthering her sister’s feeling of being mentally crippled by not telling her what was really going on, but she tried to justify it in her head by reminding herself that so long as she was taking care of Lightning, everything was alright. Her sister could just rest; Maker knew she needed it.

After Serah twisted the cork out of the bottle, Lumina climbed up on the serving hatch between the living room and the kitchen, straddling the small ledge as she watched her sister pour herself a glass of wine. “Can I have some?”

“No. You’re too young,” Serah told her, her tone dismissive as she placed the bottle back on the table. Which in hindsight was a bad move, as in an instant Lumina had hopped off the serving hatch and grabbed the bottle before skipping away.

“I’m not _really_ fifteen, you know,” she told Serah as she retreated with it, and the other woman just sighed heavily. Why even bother?

She really didn’t have the effort to argue with her today anyway. Serah had felt anxiety ridden the entire morning because of what happened last night, and to make things worse, the primary school kids she taught apparently decided that today was the perfect day for a plethora of practical jokes. She just needed a drink, and while normally she would go to the bar where Lebreau and Vanille worked after school, Serah knew that there was a high chance that she would run into Snow there, and she just didn’t— she _couldn’t_ deal with him right now. She had enough going on that she didn’t know how to handle.

As Serah rounded the corner with her glass in hand, Lumina took a swig of wine straight from the bottle. “At least put it in a glass,” Serah tried, but her voice held no sense of authority, because honestly she was just too exhausted to care. Lumina ignored her request though, which Serah was pretty much expecting anyway. 

As Lumina plopped down in the large armchair across from the coffee table, she looked over at her sister, watching her sit in her place on the left side of the couch. “You know she thought she raped you,” Lumina told her casually, as if that sentence didn’t have the potential to fill Serah with the greatest sense of foreboding that she had ever felt in her life. The older girl noticeably paled.

“ _What…?_ ”

“Lightning,” Lumina reiterated, like it wasn’t obvious. She was kicking out her heels again, the backs of them lightly bouncing off the bottom of the chair. “Last night. She was all scared and crying, thinking that she forced you or something.” Lumina, apparently uncaring about her counterpart’s anguish, just rolled her eyes at the thought before taking another swig from the bottle. “Like you wouldn’t gladly sit on her face if she asked. I don’t know how one person can be so stupid.”

“This isn’t a _joke,_ Lumina!” Serah exclaimed furiously, placing her wine glass on the table so heavily that some of the contents splattered onto the surface. A heavy feeling of dread was starting to build inside of her, feeling like lead in her abdomen. Her hands were trembling as she covered her face, unable to face the problems that she herself had created. “Maker, does she _still_ think that…?”

Serah prayed that her little shower stunt was enough to convince Lightning that she had been nowhere near her. It had been a last minute thought, and it at least explained why she was naked.

“No, now she thinks she just fucked herself on your bed,” Lumina told her airily, still acting like she didn’t have a care in the world about the screwed up situation they had found themselves in. “Whatever,” she shrugged, before taking another drink of wine. “We got away with it, so it’s fine.”

“ _Barely,_ ” Serah retorted, looking at Lumina incredulously. “How can you be so blasé about this? You realize that if she finds out she’s turning into you, she’ll find a way to stop it. She’ll take you _away_ from me, Lumina; is that what you want?”

“She can’t do anything to me; she hates herself too much to even control me,” Lumina countered, cocking an eyebrow in her sister’s direction before swinging her legs out and hopping off the chair. After placing the bottle of wine on the coffee table, she looked up and met Serah’s gaze. “The only way Lightning could ever make us stop,” Lumina continued, approaching her slowly, “is if she accepts that I’m a part of her. That’s the only way she can control me. But she… she _won’t,_ because she hates me, Serah. She hates what I do, because she’s respectful and overly cautious and all those other stupid things that won’t ever get her what she wants. Not like _I_ can.”

Lumina straddled her lap then, and Serah sucked in a sharp breath as she tried to focus on Lumina’s words, rather than her actions. “What are you talking about…?” she asked, brow crinkling. While Serah expected that Lumina knew what brought her into being, she had never really talked about it, and Serah hadn’t asked. Ignorance was bliss, she reasoned. Still, this talk of Lightning _hating_ herself…

“This,” Lumina told her, grasping Serah’s wrist in her hand and placing it beneath her dress. As it turned out, Lumina had decided against undergarments today, so when Serah was confronted with the girl’s soft, wet flesh that lay between her thighs, the woman had to bite back a groan and remind herself that this—this _wasn’t_ what they should be focusing on right now, no matter how nice it might feel. But before Serah could say anything in response, Lumina continued. “She can’t do this, Serah. She can’t look you in the eyes… and _beg_ for you to fuck her.”

A fierce heat rose to Serah’s cheeks at those words, as they had been accompanied by a very vivid mental image. But it also came with a sense of despair, as Serah’s heart clenched in her chest and she countered, “She can’t because she doesn’t _want_ me to do that to her. Don’t make it sound like—”

“Wow.” Lumina cocked her head to the side, appraising her. “You’re just as stupid as she is, aren’t you?”

Offense colored Serah’s face, and she ripped her hand away from the apex of Lumina’s thighs in protest. “If you think _insulting_ me is the way to get what you want right now—”

“Oh, let’s play a little game!” Lumina suddenly announced, all smiles and purpose as she suddenly hopped off of Serah’s lap, returning to her seat in the armchair. This time however, she propped her legs up on the coffee table, spreading them just wide enough so that Serah could get a very clear image of her bare sex. “It’s called: ‘Guess Why I Want To Fuck Myself In Front of My Sister’. Ready? _Go._ ”

The tips of Serah’s ears turned pink, but she was still glaring at her. “Lumina, stop it. Could you please just have a real conversation with me, for once? Not everything has to be about sex.”

“Come on, sis; I promise this will answer your question. Just play with me for a minute, okay?” Lumina coaxed, before biting gently on her lower lip and grinning as she slid her hand down between her thighs. Spreading herself with her ring and forefinger, the girl gently allowed her middle to slide over her clit. “You’ll be glad you did…” Lumina promised softly, her voice suddenly dropping a few octaves lower to sound more enticing. And damnit, it did things to Serah that she really wasn’t proud of.

She exhaled a frustrated breath, trying to look outwardly annoyed despite her stomach doing a little flip inside of her at the thought of watching Lumina do something like that in front of her. She should really have far more perseverance than this. “Fine,” Serah conceded, knowing that arguing was probably going to lead nowhere anyhow. “Because you’re turned on?”

Lumina rolled her eyes, stopping her fingers from moving. “Duh, but no.”

“I don’t know then, because it’s a fantasy of yours?” Serah guessed with a sigh, still not seeing how this had to do with anything they were talking about. Although knowing Lumina, it probably didn’t; the girl was notorious for her half-truths and twisting circumstance so the outcome benefited herself. Serah had witnessed it first hand when it was Lumina who served as a vessel for her soul during her sister’s time as the Savior.

“Yes, but… who am I, Serah?” Lumina prodded, looking her dead in the eyes as she finally allowed her fingers to move again, causing her breath to come out in uneven bursts. Serah had to consciously stop herself from staring.

“You’re Lumina.”

“Wrong. Lumina isn’t real, remember?”

Lumina’s fingers stopped again after she spoke, which finally made Serah realize the rules of the game. The closer she got to the right answer, the closer _Lumina_ got to orgasm, as apparently the girl had decided that was an apt reward system. It was absolutely ridiculous and juvenile, which was why Serah really hated that a part of herself was into it. There were so many other things they needed to talk about, so many things they needed to figure out if they ever hoped to continue this relationship in secret, and yet one little teasing game from Lumina, and Serah practically forgot herself. It was as though she had become a slave to her sister’s whims but, if she were being honest with herself, she had probably always been that anyway.

“Then you’re… Claire,” Serah realized, even though it was strange to her, as Lumina never called herself that; she barely even referenced that she and Lightning were the same person, outside of admitting that she was a part of her. It was almost as though Lumina wanted to distance herself from Lightning just as much as Lightning wished to distance herself from her. But she supposed that made sense, as her sister had kept all of the parts of herself that manifested into Lumina contained inside of her for so long. It wasn’t really a surprise that Lumina would be bitter about that.

“Mmm,” Lumina purred, pleased that Serah had given her the right answer, as it allowed her to play with herself. “Yes,” she breathed, and Serah swore she tried not to stare so blatantly, but when Lumina started rubbing herself it was hard to tear her eyes away. Her sister was pressing her hips into her hand as she started making tight, hard circles against her sex, and Serah felt her insides clench as she watched a soft blush start to make its way across Lumina’s chest, causing the girl’s areolas to darken and her nipples to tighten. 

“And who…” Lumina continued, but had to stop herself and bite down on her lip as she stifled an involuntary moan. She slowed down her pace just a tad then, allowing herself to speak. Still, her voice was breathless as she asked, “And who is Lightning…?”

Serah sucked in a sharp breath, not wanting to dare that Lumina’s point was what she thought it was, because it couldn’t be—it _couldn’t…_ “Claire Farron,” Serah answered, the name spilling from her lips absent of thought, because it was more instinctual than anything else. Serah _knew_ who her sister was, but that didn’t mean…

“So then why… why do I wanna fuck myself in front of you, Serah…?” Lumina panted, keeping her eyes trained on her sister as she rubbed herself with more vigor, more force, more purpose. Serah could see her muscles begin to tighten the closer she got, and yet Serah was stuck on only one thing. 

So much in fact, that she didn’t even register the sound of someone knocking on the front door.

“Tell me!” Lumina demanded, practically shouting at her now. But she wanted to come, and if Serah didn’t get it right, then according to the rules… she wouldn’t be able to. But damn the rules. Damn all of this, because Maker, Lumina couldn’t be saying what she thought she was saying… “Tell me, sis; tell me why I want this, tell me why I’m doing this…!”

Serah felt like she couldn’t breathe. And yet still, the words came, breathless and disbelieving as they were as she stared almost straight through Lumina. “Because Claire wants this…”

_Because Lightning wants this._

Lumina let herself go then, her back arching as she pressed her hand firmly against her throbbing center. “Mmfph, _fuck—_ Serah!” she cried, just before she bit the skin on the back of her hand, muffling the rest of her cries as her body convulsed under her own ministrations. 

Just the sight of it made Serah feel like she was going to pass out, because it reminded her exactly of what Lumina told her Lightning did when she masturbated. But Serah hadn’t thought for a second that it was _her_ name that fell from her sister’s lips, because that was completely unfathomable, wasn’t it? Lumina might be Claire, but she was just a manifestation of everything Lightning didn’t like about herself, which could very well just be some kind of rampant… _nymphomania_ of some sort, not… not incestuous fantasies about wanting to do kinky things in front of her sister. Because it was just—it was just _unlikely,_ wasn’t it, that they would both be sick like that in the head? What were the chances of that?

A key turned in the lock, and suddenly the front door was opened. 

“Serah? Are you okay, I heard—!” 

Snow’s voice startled Serah so badly that when she looked up she noticeably jumped, her hand hitting her wine glass and spilling its contents all over the coffee table, dripping over the edge and onto the beige carpet. Lumina closed her legs in an instant and sunk down further into the arm chair, mouthing a silent ‘oops’. Thankfully, the chair was facing away from Snow, but that was only a small blessing amongst a sea of curses.

“Snow! What are you—don’t you _knock?!_ ” Serah exclaimed, her heart having jumped into her throat, pounding mercilessly against her larynx. Fear had taken hold of her body, making her completely unable to move. All she could do was just sit there and stare at him, still as a statue, as her panic threatened to make her upheave on the carpet.

“I did, but then I—” Snow tried, crossing the room to her, yet both his movements and his words stopped as he noticed a figure in his peripheral. And as he turned and recognized the girl Serah was sitting with, it was his turn for his eyes to grow wide. “ _Lumina…?!_ ”

Lumina wiggled her fingers at him in a little wave. “Hi, Snow! Miss me?” she asked, somehow still keeping her composure despite what Snow nearly walked in on. She was even _smiling_ as she folded her hands in her lap, making certain her dress was completely covering her, and gave her feet a little kick.

Snow looked like he had seen a ghost, which was probably fair, all things considered. “Serah,” he began, although he was still staring at Lumina as he addressed his fiancée. “What the hell is going on?”

Serah felt as though she was in a constant struggle just to take her next inhale of breath, but she forced herself to come off at least relatively composed as she ordered, “Lumina, go to your room.”

Lumina pouted. “But—!”

“ _Now,_ Lumina.”

Lumina scoffed and stomped her foot as she stood up, shooting Serah a glare before stalking off into Lightning’s bedroom and slamming the door. The sound of it made Serah jump in her seat, and she had trouble trying to compose herself after that. She was definitely going to pay for that later.

But before Serah could begin to explain anything or Snow could even ask, the door to Lightning’s bedroom swung open once more. “By the way, he had strippers preforming for him when he was the Patron of Yusnaan,” Lumina mentioned, smirking as she addressed Serah. “Have fun with that conversation.”

And then the door was slammed shut once more, and Serah shot a look towards Snow that could cut glass. Despite Lumina’s intentions, it was actually a welcome distraction from what was going on. “You had _strippers?_ ”

“No, I— _I_ didn’t, not personally!” Snow stammered, looking like a deer caught in headlights. “They were hired for a celebration, and… and they were—I mean, they weren’t _strippers,_ Serah; just pole dance performers! And—and that doesn’t even _matter,_ okay, because why the hell is Lumina here?!”

Snow was gesturing wildly at the door that Lumina had just barricaded herself behind, and Serah wished she could get stuck on the whole stripper thing, but the truth of it was, part of her didn’t even care; because even if he had, it wasn’t like she hadn’t done far worse behind his back. And so Serah swallowed, trying to think of any other reason to explain Lumina’s presence that wasn’t the truth. Yet despite how hard she racked her brain for an alternative, when she opened up her mouth, the only thing that came out of it was the quiet, guilty admission of, “That’s… that’s Lightning, Snow. That’s my sister.”

Because really, what else was she going to say? She could barely keep track of her other lies as it was.

Snow blinked, trying to process that. “Wha— _how?_ ”

“I don’t know!” Serah exclaimed, frustrated because in all honesty, she really _didn’t._ She had her theories, but that was about the extent of it. Although in the end, who’s fault was that, outside of her own? It wasn’t as though she had ever asked. Maybe a part of her was scared to know the truth, but sooner or later Serah knew it would all come tumbling down on her, and if this situation was any indication, time was running out. “She just… _turns into her_ sometimes, I don’t know why!”

But then suddenly a thought struck her, a way to at least turn some of this to her advantage, and Serah stood as she grasped Snow’s hands. “That’s what’s been going on, okay? _This_ is why I’ve been secretive, and why I postponed everything again; because I just—Snow, I can’t even _think_ about planning a wedding right now, not when all of _this_ is going on! Lightning’s sick, or _something,_ and I just—I need to take care of her, alright? I’m all she has.”

“Then why didn’t you just _tell_ me that?” Snow asked, looking at her incredulously. “Serah, did you really think I wouldn’t understand? If you gotta take care of her, then you gotta take care of her. I care about Light too, and I’m not gonna get mad over that.”

“I’m sorry,” Serah apologized, shooting him a wounded puppy look that she knew never failed. It made her feel awful, that she was lying to and manipulating him like this, but she just didn’t know what else to do. If Snow knew the truth, if _anyone_ knew the truth… “But Lightning she… she made me promise that I would keep it a secret. She’s kind of embarrassed about of all this, Snow.”

“Is there… can I do anything to help?” Snow tried, because damnit, he was _such_ a nice guy and Serah, the more she looked at him, the more she felt like a terrible person because of what she was doing. To him, to Lightning. She was a cheater, a liar, a selfish manipulator of everyone around her, and Maker, she felt like she was going to throw up.

But Serah fought the urge, forced a small smile and told him, “No, thank you, I appreciate it, but—but Lightning, she would kill me if she found out you knew.”

“Say no more,” he said, giving Serah a reassuring smile and a tight hug. It took all of the strength Serah had within her not to break down right there. “But call me, okay? If you do. Lumina is a wildcard, and if she gets out of control…”

Serah nodded her understanding, despite the fact that she knew that if nothing else, at least Lumina listened to her; it was why she had yet to venture out of the house when she turned.

They spoke for a little while longer before finally Snow left, and everything Serah was feeling seemed to burst out of her with such force that it practically crippled her. Slumping into a crumpled heap on the floor, Serah finally allowed the tears to fall as she realized with startling clarity that there was no way that this was going to end well. It felt like the walls were closing in on her, and as she choked out a broken sob, the door to Lightning’s room opened and a figure emerged. 

“Sis?” Lumina sounded so small, and for once, actually _concerned_ with what was going on, with what this was doing to Serah. Her feet padded along the carpet, and the girl’s lips turned down into a frown as she asked, “Why are you crying? Was he mean to you again?”

Serah covered her mouth to stifle another sob, tears running down her cheeks in lines as she shook her head in response. “I can’t… I can’t _do_ this anymore, Lumina; I can’t…!”

“Do what? Serah, what did he do?” Lumina asked, kneeling down in front of her. She actually looked really upset on her sister’s behalf, but Serah supposed she did look like a complete and total wreck. She certainly felt like it. “Because I can make Lightning hurt him, I can make her—!”

“It’s not _him,_ ” Serah choked out, violently wiping at her tears. “It’s _me._ I’m a—I’m _awful,_ Lumina. I’m a liar, and I’m awful! I’m hurting everyone I love because I’m stupid and _selfish_ and I just can’t… I can’t anymore! I need to—I have to tell her, I have to tell Lightning what’s happening, because I can’t just—!”

“No!” Lumina exclaimed, looking fearful of that outcome. “No, you can’t! She’ll be so mad and it’ll make you cry, and then you’ll hate _me_ and… and I don’t want things to change, Serah; I like them the way they are!”

“I’m not going to tell her about…!” Serah burst out, gesturing wildly between them when she couldn’t find the right word to describe what they were to each other. “She’d… I mean, she’d feel betrayed, wouldn’t she? Like you do when I talk about _her…_ ”

Because they’re the same person. Because they want the same things. Because they both want _her_ , yet hate the other for anything they have or haven’t done about that.

Serah still didn’t know how to process that. Lightning barely touched her, but maybe that should have been the sign she was looking for; her sister was overly cautious and fiercely protective of her, of course she’d do anything to make sure Serah never became uncomfortable around her. It was why Lumina didn’t like being inside of her; Lightning held her back, ruining her chances of getting what she wanted. But Serah had to wonder, would Lightning still keep everything contained, if she knew that she wasn’t the only one who felt that way?

“But she’ll find out!” Lumina protested, grasping onto Serah’s hand. “She’ll find out and then we’ll never be able to be together again!”

“You told me she couldn’t take me away from you!” Serah exclaimed, looking at the girl incredulously because she always felt like she was getting two different stories every time she talked to her. “You told me she wouldn’t be able to control you, even if she knew. If you’re separated because she still can’t accept you as a part of her, do you really think that she would be able accept what has happened between us? If anything, it’ll probably drive you both further apart.”

Lumina’s eyes went wide. “Do you really think so?” she asked, like that was the best news she heard all day. But maybe that’s what she wanted; something that pushed Lightning to the point of never wanting her again, so that Lumina would separate from her and be whole on her own. But even if that was what Lumina desired, she seemed to reevaluate that, and shook her head violently from side to side. “No, you still can’t, because she’ll make you feel guilty, act like you’re gross for doing things with me, and then even if she gets rid of me, you’ll never want to look at me again! And that’s—that’s not _fair,_ Serah; we’re finally getting everything we’ve wanted! Don’t let her ruin it!”

“I can’t keep _lying_ to her!” Serah shouted, needing Lumina to understand that all of this was starting to kill her inside. Maybe she didn’t have the guts to tell Lightning or Snow the whole truth about what’s been going on and what she’s been doing, but this would be enough, right? It had to be, because if she told them everything, it was doubtful they’d ever want to be around her again. And Serah didn’t—she didn’t know _how_ to be on her own. It terrified her more than anything else. 

“I promise she won’t find out about the other stuff, okay?” Serah tried to bargain, not wanting Lumina to be upset with her over her decision. “I promise, but I… I need to tell her, Lumina. You told me that she’s scared, that she thinks she’s going crazy and what… what kind of _person_ does that make me, if I let someone I love suffer just because the situation benefits me?”

“Why do you always choose her over me?!” Lumina cried, ripping her hand from Serah’s as she stood, backing up from her. “She’s nothing, she’s _weak;_ always weighing the consequences of her actions, always ruining everything she wants because she’s scared of how it’s going to affect everyone else. She’ll never love you, Serah; not like I do! She’ll want you forever but she’ll never do anything about it, because she thinks she’s disgusting for it; and she’d think _you’re_ disgusting for it too, if she knew you wanted her back.”

Serah’s heart clenched in her chest at that thought, but Lumina wasn’t done. She had no sense of impulse control, and once she was angry, she was _furious;_ damn the consequences, because Lumina was right, _Lightning_ was the only one who cared about things like that. “So it’s either her or me, and she—she doesn’t even _do_ anything for you! Not like I can, not like I will, for the rest of forever if you want me to! So stop trying to ruin it, because we’re _happy_ , Serah!”

“Do I _look_ happy to you right now, Lumina?” Serah exclaimed, looking up at the girl with tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. She wanted to be; she had thought she was, but how could she be truly happy, when she was hurting other people in the process?

Lumina looked wounded, which in turn infuriated her even more as tears sprung to the back of her eyes. “Fine. Mess it all up; see if I care!” she shouted, even though everything about her stature and expression indicated that she very much _did_ care. “I hope she makes you cry; I hope she makes you hate yourself, and I hope you regret making this decision, because it’s the stupidest thing you could ever think to do. You’re going to end up _alone,_ Serah, and you’re gonna have no one to blame but yourself.”

And then she stalked off, back into Lightning’s bedroom before slamming the door so hard that one of the pictures adorning the wall came crashing down, shattering the glass as it hit the display table beneath. But Serah couldn’t find it within her to care about that, or the wine stain that most certainly had set into the carpet by now; all she could think of were Lumina’s words, and the prospect of them hurt her so badly that Serah grasped the fabric of her shirt, right over her heart, as she crumpled back into a ball and cried.

Logically, Serah knew that Lumina was just lashing out without any conscious thought about what it would do to their relationship in the long run, because the girl had always acted without consequence. And most likely, Lumina was just trying to find the thing that hurt Serah the most because _she_ was hurting, and didn’t even mean what it was that she said. But the thing of it was, Lumina _had_ found something that hurt Serah the most, that _scared_ Serah the most: being alone. And now, she didn’t know what to do.

Should she try to rectify the mistake she had made and risk losing everything, or should she keep it all inside and continue being this horrible person that she could barely look at in the mirror anymore?

In the end, which was worse…?

**TBC…**


	3. III

**III.**

Lightning came back home the following afternoon sweaty and exhausted. After her morning shower, she had decided that instead of sitting at home internally panicking about the cause of her blackouts, she would at least try to be productive with it and channel all that anger, helplessness, and fear into a vigorous sparring session with Fang. The other woman was, of course, happy to accommodate; so much so that she didn’t even ask what had gotten her all riled up, which was a first. Lightning was pretty sure that the huntress was just getting bored with her new, _normal_ life, and thus was eager to jump at the chance for a little excitement.

It had helped, albeit only a little. Lightning still felt anxious due to the unpredictability of it all, and she was always left wondering when it would happen again. Still, at the moment she was far too worn out to give it much more thought than that, and when she entered the small house that she and Serah shared, her mood ended up rising significantly just by the smell of her sister’s home cooking.

Lightning couldn’t even remember the last time Serah had cooked her a meal. They had been drifting so far apart lately that Lightning feared they’d never get their relationship back to the way it used to be. But the scene in front of her was so startlingly reminiscent of it that Lightning almost forgot that things had changed at all.

“Hey,” Lightning greeted softly, coming around the corner to spot her sister busy in the kitchen. Despite her elated mood at the picture before her, their altercation the other night was still fresh in her mind, and paranoia suddenly set in that maybe Serah was still mad at her for asking if she was being unfaithful to Snow. Worried that she might have jumped the gun when she assumed that this meal was for both of them, Lightning crossed her arms over her chest as she asked gently, “What’s all this?”

Serah whipped around at the sound of her voice, and for a moment she just froze, looking at her strangely, almost as though she were seeing her for the very first time. Lightning’s expression quickly turned puzzled and Serah must have realized that she was acting weird, as the girl blushed and turned back to the stove. “I just… I thought it would be nice, you know? We never eat meals together anymore.”

Lightning’s expression broke out into a large smile, glad that Serah was actually going out of her way to spend time with her, as she had been constantly paranoid as of late that she was actually trying to avoid her. “Well I’m not complaining; I’m starved.”

“I bet,” Serah responded as she continued to make her preparations. As she glanced back at her, she curiously asked, “You were out with Fang?”

Lightning nodded. “Yeah. It’s been awhile since we’ve been able to let loose; guess we both really needed it.”

Serah bit her bottom lip, this oddly conflicted look in her eye that if Lightning didn’t know any better, looked a little like jealousy. When Serah was younger, she used to hate when Lightning spent time with anyone other than her, but it seemed strange now, considering that they weren’t as close as they used to be. Lightning supposed it was to be expected; Serah had grown up and now had her own life, her own friends. But still, something in her expression indicated she wasn’t entirely happy that she had chosen to spend time with Fang today, and Lightning really couldn’t figure out _why._ Serah and Fang were friends too, weren’t they?

But whatever Serah was feeling was gone in an instant anyway, her expression becoming more natural as she told her, “Well go take a shower. Dinner will be ready in about a half an hour.”

Lightning bit the inside of her cheek as she furrowed her brow, but nodded her consent to the plan before turning and heading towards the bathroom. Maybe Serah had just noticed the rift between them and was trying to repair it, finding it just easier for her to slip back into their old routine of neediness and jealousy while she did so. And honestly, Lightning couldn’t exactly find it within herself to hate it; at least this way she was getting her sister’s attention. She hadn’t realized how starved she was for it until it was suddenly gifted to her again. 

But right when Lightning finally allowed herself to have a sense of hope that things might return to normal between she and her sister, she was shown once again – in blaring clarity, she might add – that things really weren’t normal at all. In fact, they seemed almost worse.

Dinner was awkward. The only sound in the room was their forks scraping against ceramic, Lightning spending most of the time looking downwards as she pushed her food around on her plate while her sister drank more wine than someone should have in a night, let alone a half hour. Lightning chewed on the inside of her cheek as she watched Serah down the rest of the liquid in her glass as though it were a badly tasting shot, and suddenly she found she couldn’t keep herself quiet anymore.

“Serah, I’m… I’m sorry.”

Serah looked up at her, surprise etching across her face. “What?” she asked, sounding confused when Lightning had assumed that was what she had been waiting for. “Why?”

Lightning’s brow furrowed. “For… asking if you were cheating on Snow the other night. Isn’t that why you’re angry with me?”

“I’m not—I’m not angry with you, Lightning,” Serah responded, looking taken aback by that assumption, followed by an expression Lightning knew far too well on her sister: guilt. Serah did have a tendency to blame herself over the most ridiculous of things though, so the fact that it didn’t make a lot of sense in this situation didn’t come as much surprise. “I just…” Serah hesitated for a moment, and then got up to cross the room to pour herself another glass of wine from the bottle that rested on the serving hatch. “I needed to… I need talk to you.”

Lightning’s brow rose. “What about?” Whatever it was, it didn’t sound like it was going to be good; Serah was having a hard time looking at her and her face was going a little pale. “Serah?”

Maybe she really _was_ cheating on Snow.

“I…” Serah started after she had grasped her newly filled glass of wine. Lightning noticed her hand was shaking a little, and the sight of it filled her with concern. Serah swallowed, then finally met her eye. “I know why you’ve been having blackouts.”

Whatever Lightning was expecting, it certainly wasn’t that. “What…?” she asked, her voice soft and disbelieving. She didn’t think Serah even knew she was having them, let alone _why._ In an instant she felt betrayed, but Lightning kept that feeling inside until she knew all of the facts. For all she knew, this could be something Serah had just found out, but if she had known for a while and had kept it to herself…

Serah’s brow was creased in distress as she looked at her, still unable to bring herself to move from the spot by the hatch. She was gripping her wine glass so tightly that her fingertips were flashing white, and Lightning was half afraid that she was going to break it and gouge open her hand. But Serah finally moved, setting the glass down on the table heavily as she sat in the chair next to her sister.

“Please—please don’t be angry with me…”

“Serah, _what did you do?_ ” Lightning asked, her tone dropping to a dangerous decibel as she stared her sister dead in the eyes. This was starting to sound more and more like the blackouts were _Serah’s_ doing, and that did not sit well with her. The feeling of betrayal seeded deeper inside of her heart.

“Nothing!” Serah instantly defended. “I didn’t—it’s not my _fault_ it’s happening or anything, but—”

Lightning’s patience was waning. “ _Serah._ ”

Serah closed her eyes, inhaling a deep breath as she gathered up the strength to tell her. “You’re… you’re turning into Lumina, Claire.”

Lightning just stared at her, unable to process what it was her sister had just said. Hadn’t… hadn’t Lumina become a part of her again, after her defeat of Bhunivelze? She must have, because everything Lightning despised about herself – her loneliness, her fear, her selfishness and her _awful_ attraction to Serah – they were all back; they were all predominant factors in her life that weighed her down and made her feel weak. She hated them, tried to suppress them once more, but she still _felt_ them. So how could Lumina be manifesting? 

“How long have you known.” Lightning’s voice was hollow, almost detached. And it wasn’t a question, not really. By the look on Serah’s face, Lightning realized the guilt her sister felt came from keeping this from her, and that made her heart constrict in her chest and her stomach drop to the floor.

“A while,” Serah whispered, looking to her hands on her lap as shame overtook her.

“Serah,” Lightning repeated dangerously, not in the mood to receive roundabout answers. “ _How long have you known?”_

Serah sucked in a sharp breath, her eyes welling up with tears. She knew Lightning was furious with her. “Since it started.”

Lightning felt like she had been punched in the gut. Since it _started?_ That had been months ago! Lightning got up from the table so sharply that she knocked into it, spilling Serah’s wine and shattering the glass from the impact on the surface of the wood. Serah jumped at the sudden shift, and looked almost as though she was curling into herself. Was she afraid of what she would do? That was stupid, because Lightning may be furious with her, but she would never do anything to hurt her. Still, Lightning didn’t do anything to ease her worries, because she didn’t really think Serah deserved comfort at that very moment. Not after that.

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?!” Lightning seethed, her eyes blackening in anger and betrayal. “How could you keep something like that to yourself? Do you have _any_ idea how terrified I’ve been of myself lately? I come to and I have no idea what I’ve done for… for _hours_ ; do you have any idea how something like that feels?!”

“I’m sorry!” Serah tried, rising from her seat as she reached out for her. But Lightning stepped away, shaking her head in disgust and upset, and a singular tear rolled down her sister’s cheek as she retracted her hand. “Light, please, I never—I never meant to hurt you, and I know I should have told you long before this but I… I didn’t want to worry you, and I had the situation under control—”

“Under— under _control?_ ” Lightning spat disbelievingly. “Do you even understand what Lumina _is?_ She’s dangerous, and you—!”

“She’s not dangerous!”

“She’s impulsive and lacks the ability to control herself, Serah, of course she’s _dangerous!_ ”

Serah’s face was crumpled, her breathing coming out ragged and uneven as she tried to suppress the tears that still fell without permission. “No, Claire, she listens to me and she hasn’t—she hasn’t even left the house; not once! I swear, it’s been fine—”

“Fine?” Lightning repeated, laughing bitterly. “You have a very warped definition of the word ‘fine,’ Serah. How could you hide something like this from me?”

Serah pressed her hand to her lips as she inhaled a shaky breath, looking at her sister with so much sadness and guilt in her eyes that it cut through Lightning’s entire being. She hated seeing Serah distressed, but she was just so angry at her that she couldn’t find it within herself to comfort her. After all, it wasn’t as though Serah allotted her any comfort over these last few months; instead she just allowed Lightning to be terrified of herself, of what she had done, when she came to in the most horrendous of situat—

A memory struck Lightning then, and the weight of her own fear practically crippled her as she nearly fell back into her chair, needing to sit down before her legs gave out on her. Her hand was pressed to her chest as she looked up at her sister, praying to any God left that her first thought was very, very wrong. She didn’t know how she was going to live with herself if it turned out she was correct.

“Claire?” Serah breathed, looking terrified herself at her sister’s sudden shift from anger to distress. Lightning felt like she was going to vomit.

“What did she do to you…?” Lightning asked, the words coming out quiet and almost like a wheeze as she found she had trouble breathing. But she had woken once in her sister’s _bed,_ totally naked and covered in what she still hoped were her own secretions. And with Serah hiding this from her for so long, Lightning knew there had to be a reason. Was she protecting her, from ever finding out what her alter ego had done to her? Lumina was _her_ , and she had wanted Serah for… for _years_ now, and now she was terrified that the girl had taken her, with or without her permission. Lumina wouldn’t have known how to stop herself.

“N-Nothing,” Serah stuttered, but she still looked afraid by the question. “Lightning, she hasn’t done—”

“Then why did I—?!” Lightning began to exclaim, but choked on her words halfway through. She couldn’t tell Serah that she awoke naked in her bedroom one day, because if Serah _didn’t_ know, and if Lumina wasn’t doing anything to her, then Lightning didn’t know how to answer the questions that would follow; like why Lumina was masturbating in her _bed,_ of all places. So instead she just shook her head, her throat tightening with despair as she forced herself to rise from her chair. “I can’t—I can’t do this right now. I have to—I just need some space.”

“No, Light—don’t… please don’t go, _please,_ ” Serah tried to plead, having always hated leaving things badly between them. But Lightning didn’t care in that moment; she just needed to get away from her. She felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“Just leave me alone, Serah,” she demanded, although in the end it sounded more like a desperate plea than anything else. Lightning just couldn’t do this right now; she needed space to breathe, time to think. And so she fled to her bedroom, pressing her back up against the closed door as she tried to will herself to calm down. She couldn’t—there was no way she could think rationally like this, and yet her panic was starting to overtake her entire being. 

She was _terrified_ that Lumina had done something to Serah, because in the end she would have no one to blame but herself. That demon was a manifestation of everything Lightning hated about herself, and if something terrible had happened, it was because of the terrible things that existed inside of her. How could Serah forgive her, how could Lightning forgive _herself,_ if her other half just helped herself to what she wanted without a care or a thought as to what _Serah_ wanted? Lightning loved Serah more than her own life – she would rather die than hurt her – and the possibility that she had ended up crippling her more than anything else she had ever felt.

She couldn’t breathe.

Lightning wanted to rip it out of her; rip _Lumina_ out of her, because this had done nothing but prove what she had always believed. Lumina was dangerous, a liability, and she shouldn’t exist. Lightning hated her because she had always hindered her one and only desire in this world; to protect Serah. She didn’t need fear, she didn’t need selfishness, she didn’t need doubt, and Lumina was all of those things. The girl was easily distracted by superficial notions, constantly aching for things she’d never have, and filled with self-pity because she wasn’t getting them. She was disgusting, making everything about _her_ when the only important thing was making her sister feel safe, loved, and happy.

Serah was everything. Serah was so much more than her, and Lightning couldn’t stand that there was a part of her that demanded that she put herself first.

As her breathing shallowed and her panic started to take its toll on her, Lightning’s head began to cloud over with darkness. “No,” she demanded to herself, knowing this feeling all too well as she tried to fight against it. “No, I’m not letting you near her!”

But no matter how hard she fought against it, Lightning still knew that it was a losing battle. Not once had she been able to postpone it, so with a sudden thought and a last ditch effort to get some answers, Lightning turned towards her holorecorder on the desk and slammed her hand on one of the buttons before her knees gave out, her world went black, and she slumped to the floor.

[x]

Serah had known that Lightning would be angry with her, and yet even still, she was not prepared for how it made her feel. Ever since she was a child, Serah had never been able to stomach her sister’s fury; it tore her up inside, and as such, she had always done everything she could to rectify their issues before the day was out. Falling asleep with Lightning so angry with her was absolutely unfathomable, because Serah would always obsess about it in her mind until the sun came up the next morning. The guilt she felt when they were on the outs always felt as though it would crush her because, more often than not, the fights they had were her own fault.

She had always been the screw up of the two Farron sisters. Lightning had always tried to tell her differently, that Serah just instinctively took the blame when none was actually meant to be placed on her shoulders, but it was still a habit that she couldn’t break away from. But this, _now?_ This really was entirely her fault; Serah knew it, and Lightning knew it. She had messed up, and she had done so in a very major way.

And Maker, she just couldn’t accept that this was the way they were going to end things tonight.

So after Serah had calmed herself down enough to at least stop crying, her feet padded against the plush carpet as she made her way to her sister’s bedroom. After inhaling a shaky breath, completely terrified at the possibility that Lightning might refuse to even open the door, Serah decided to take a chance and softly rapped her knuckles against the wooden obstruction.

There was no answer.

Serah closed her eyes and gently placed her forehead against the door. “Lightning?” she asked softly, her voice meek and pleading. Her palm was pressed flat against the wood, and Serah held her breath as she waited for a response.

“Lightning’s not home right now,” came a different voice than she had been expecting, causing Serah to immediately straighten her spine as she righted herself. “But if you leave your name and number, I can try to remember to care enough to give her the message.”

_Lumina._ Her voice was mocking, still holding a twinge of anger behind it. Serah felt like she could feel the girl’s glare straight through the door, and she worried her bottom lip for a moment before deciding that whatever version of her sister she was getting, she still needed to see her. Both Lightning _and_ Lumina were angry with her at the moment, and at least this way she could possibly rectify _one_ of those problems, even if it wasn’t the one she was expecting to be dealing with right then.

Serah placed her hand on the doorknob then and, without waiting for permission, opened it up and stepped inside.

Lumina was sitting cross legged on the center of the bed, her arms folded over her chest with a glare painted across her face as she stared at the intruder. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t say you could come in.” The girl cocked her head to the side then and smirked. “ _But…_ now that you’re here, I guess now would be a perfect time to say ‘I told you so’, huh?”

Pain flickered across Serah’s face at the reminder. “Lumina, don’t,” she pleaded, not wanting to hear it. Taking a step forward, Serah’s brow crinkled in distress as she tried to implore to the younger girl’s will. “I came here to—”

“What? _Apologize?_ ” Lumina finished for her, her scoff being accompanied by an eye roll. “Oh boo-hoo; save me the sob story. You didn’t even come here for me, you came for _her._ I heard you say her name when you knocked on the door. Like always, I’m your consolation prize.”

Serah’s heart clenched painfully in her chest. “No, Lumina, I swear it’s not like that—”

“It is! It always is!” Lumina exclaimed, her anger mixing with upset and causing her voice to crack with emotion as she made to move from the bed, probably with the intent to storm out of the room entirely. “You made your choice and now guess what, Serah? I don’t want you, Lightning doesn’t want you, _nobody_ wants you!”

Lumina’s words pierced through her, and Serah’s eyes welled up with tears as the desperation she felt inside pulled her towards the girl on the bed. She couldn’t handle the possibility of being alone; it had always been one of her greatest fears, and even though she was fairly certain that Lumina knew that and was only saying that to garner this exact reaction, Serah felt herself succumbing to it because a part of her was still terrified that it could be true; that they both really _did_ hate her, and now she would have no one.

“No, please don’t—please don’t say that,” Serah begged, blocking Lumina’s path to the door as she grasped the girl’s hands, falling to her knees before her. Lumina seemed taken aback by the blatantly submissive permission, and it made her freeze in place; although probably more out of curiosity than anything else. 

“I know I hurt you by telling her, but she needed to know!” Serah tried to defend, squeezing Lumina’s hands in hers as she looked up at her imploringly. “That doesn’t—it _doesn’t_ mean that I love you any less than I love her. I would tear apart the world for you in a second because you’re my sister, Lumina; you’re my everything, just as Lightning is. Please…” Serah’s voice cracked as she placed their clasped hands against her forehead as she closed her eyes, “this isn’t a competition; I love you both the same. You have to believe me, Lumina, please…!”

Lumina’s brow creased as her lips turned down into a frown. “You’re lying,” she accused, even though she didn’t sound entirely too sure about that. Still, she tried to untangle her hands from Serah’s grasp as she continued, “You always lie; I know you were coming in here for her, and—”

“I know I always lie!” Serah exclaimed, her voice cracking with despair at the truth of it. And yet even still, she refused to let Lumina go. She held onto her hands tighter as she went on, “I lie to Lightning, I lie to you, I lie to Snow, I lie to myself, but this—this I’m _not_ lying about! I do love you, Lumina; fiercely and unconditionally. And I swear to you, the only reason I came in here looking for Lightning was because I thought she was still in here; that does not, in any way, mean that I wasn’t planning on apologizing to you as well whenever I saw you, because I hate—Maker, I _hate_ that you’re upset with me, Lumina, I hate it…!”

Tears began to stream down Serah’s cheeks in jagged lines as she openly wept, and Lumina’s face began to crumple at the sound of her sobs. “Then why did you have to ruin it…?” she asked, her voice having lost all of the anger and spite behind it; she just sounded small and confused as she sunk to her knees, getting on Serah’s level so she could look her in the eyes. “Everything’s going to change now, and it wasn’t supposed to. You were supposed to be mine forever.”

“I am, I swear I am,” Serah breathed, grasping Lumina’s face in her hands as she pressed their foreheads together. “We’re blood; we’re bound to one another, that’s never going to change…”

“Yes it will,” Lumina protested weakly, sounding so terribly distressed about that. “You’re gonna tell her… you’re going to tell her everything one day, because you’re tainted like she is. Your conscience and your guilt are going to ruin everything, Serah, and I don’t—I don’t _want_ them to…”

“How can I though?” Serah whispered, feeling awful because that probably showed what kind of person she really was; selfish, weak… like Claire, like everything she hated and rejected about herself. Sometimes Serah thought her sister might’ve been right in casting Lumina out of her, despite the fact that even though those qualities might not be the most endearing, they still made her _her._ But at times like this, Serah wished this wasn’t her at all. She felt like an awful human being. “How can I look her in the eyes, and tell her that the very parts she hated about herself, are the parts that got everything she ever wanted? She’ll hate me… she’ll hate me for what I’ve been doing with you, Lumina.”

“Then don’t tell her,” Lumina implored, her tone desperate. “Even if she guesses, tell her it’s not true; she won’t know, she won’t have proof. She’ll second guess herself and then feel bad and apologize, and then we can do whatever we want!”

Serah wanted to believe it would be that simple, but the fact of it was, she didn’t know how long she could continue to blatantly lie to her sister’s face. She was destroying their relationship piece by piece and the messed up part of it all was that if Lightning had just accepted those parts of her, Claire – _all_ of her – could have had her years ago. Yet instead, Lightning pushed her feelings for her so far away that they manifested into Lumina, and now Serah felt like she was betraying her sister even though they were the very same person. It was such a mess, and she hated every single bit of it. She just wanted her sister, all of her, and it devastated her that that would probably never become an option.

And at the rate things were going, Serah doubted that she’d have Lumina for very long either. Because Lumina was right; her guilt was eventually going to eat her alive. How she would tell Lightning didn’t matter, because the fact of the matter was, when the time came, she knew she’d somehow find the words. She would have to, because doing this for the rest of forever wasn’t an option. And it _terrified_ Serah, because she was sure she was going to lose Lightning over it too, but what else could she do, other than base their entire relationship on a lie?

Serah’s hand pressed to her lips as she let out a quiet sob, feeling so torn about everything. She wanted to do the right thing, but she was still scared that she didn’t have it within her to do so. She had never been strong enough, never been good enough. She didn’t know why Claire loved her so much, when she was probably the least deserving person of her on this earth. She was awful, and Serah hated herself for the choices she had made.

“Serah?” Lumina asked softly, brushing her sister’s bangs away from her eyes as her lips turned down into a frown.

“Why couldn’t you have told me you loved me a long time ago?” Serah cried, distress etching across her face as she wiped at her tears with the back of her hand. “Why did you let me settle for Snow, when you wanted me for yourself? Now I’m hurting him, I’m hurting you, I’m hurting myself… and for _what?_ Why did you make me choose, when there shouldn’t even have to be a choice?! I love all of you, Claire; I love _all_ of you, so just stop this! Just _stop_ it! Be one person, please… please—just be my sister again…”

“She can’t hear you—”

“I’m talking to _you!_ ” Serah practically shrieked, not really knowing what else to do anymore, and so she placed the blame on everyone and everything around her, including her sister. Because no matter how much of this was her own fault, it still would have never even happened in the first place if Claire was able to accept her own flaws. “You’re just as much of Claire as Lightning is, so tell me; tell me why you never told me how you felt! A part of you must have known that I felt the same way, Lumina, otherwise you never would have kissed me that first time!”

Lumina just stared at her for a long time, maybe just trying to drudge up the memory of what it was like to be a whole person back then; to have a side of her that rationalized, that feared. And then finally she answered, although her voice was a little detached, like she wasn’t even really talking about herself; like it was someone else’s memory. “You were too young.”

Serah scoffed through her tears, dabbing at the skin beneath her eyes. “That’s not even a real answer.”

“We were supposed to protect you,” Lumina tried to explain. “After mom died, we were all you had. If we had—it would have been wrong. It would have ruined your whole life, and we loved you too much to do that. That’s why she told me no, and she was stronger than I was. I couldn’t do anything, even though I wanted to. I knew you loved us back, but she thought I was imagining it. She was stupid and scared.”

“Stop talking about yourself like that.”

“Why? She talks about me like that!” Lumina defended, looking hurt by what her other half thought of her. “She thinks I’m sick, that I’m reckless and impulsive and dangerous. So why can’t I call her stupid when she is?”

“Because it drives you both further apart, and I don’t want that anymore, Lumina; I don’t!” Serah cried, frustrated and upset. “This isn’t even worth it, can’t you see that? Sex isn’t worth tearing yourself in half. _I’m_ not worth tearing yourself in half. You’re talking about ruining my life? I feel like I’m ruining yours, and I don’t want that anymore. I’d rather just have you as one whole sister who’s afraid to touch me, than a half of one that can get me off. This is _stupid,_ Lumina! It’s stupid!”

“No!” Lumina protested, not liking the direction this conversation was going. But Serah knew she had to put her sister first, for at least _once_ in her life. Claire always put her before everything and everyone else, and it was time that Serah repaid that, even if it terrified her to do so, and even if it made her miserable in the end. She needed to stop being so selfish, because one look at Lumina proved how much she was hurting her sister for it. 

This wasn’t right. None of it was. Lightning needed to be _whole,_ and she’d never be able to do that if Serah didn’t stop driving a wedge between her and Lumina.

“No, don’t be dumb, Serah! Even if you stop sleeping with me, even if you tell her the truth, she’s not gonna let me back in! It’ll all end up being pointless, and then everyone’s miserable when we don’t have to be!” Lumina pleaded, grasping for her sister’s hands. “Just let _her_ be sad, she doesn’t matter anyway—!”

“She does to me!” Serah exclaimed, furious that Lumina would even say that. “And she should to you. How can you hate yourself this much?”

“Because she makes us _miserable!_ ”

Serah pursed her lips together, distress etching across her brow as another tear slipped down her cheek. “And that’s why I’m sad, Lumina; because you shouldn’t be, and I feel like it’s my fault that you are. You guys need to work out stuff without me being thrown in the middle. You need to love yourself first before you love me, I’m sorry.”

“But we already love you!” Lumina tried to protest, grabbing Serah’s hand as she tried to rise from her spot on the floor, keeping her where she was. “No, you can’t take this away from me!”

“Do you think I _want_ this?” Serah challenged, whipping around. Her eyes were still brimming with tears, and her esophagus was tightening so painfully it felt as though she could barely breathe. “I’ve dreamed about being with you just as long as you have about me, but not—not like this. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. I didn’t want you hurt as a result, and you have been; worse than I could have ever imagined.”

“No, I’m fine; I swear I’m—”

“You’re more than just _this,_ Claire,” Serah told her, using the girl’s given name as she gestured her hands towards her, her expression apologetic. “It has to be time that you both remembered that, because I don’t—I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know how else to fix it, other than taking myself out of the equation.”

“So that’s just… that’s just _it?_ ” Lumina questioned, disbelief and upset tingeing her tone. “You’re just done with me? Without—we couldn’t even have a last time? How is that fair? This isn’t _fair_ , Serah!”

“It’s not,” Serah agreed, hating her own decision as much as Lumina did. She didn’t want to end it, but she had to. For once, she had to be a decent person; she had to be a caring sister, and she needed to be good for someone she loved. Everything lately had been about her, and Serah was sick of being the kind of person who wasn’t even worthy of all the love people seemed to want to give her. She needed to be better than that, and she needed to learn to be strong enough to stand on her own. “I’m so sorry, Lumina. I never meant to hurt you; I just got caught up in it.”

“No, please!” Lumina begged, beginning to cry now as she stopped Serah from getting up and walking away from her. She was pulling at her, drawing Serah towards her until they were pressed together. “Don’t—don’t leave me all alone. I need you, Serah; we need you! Please, I’ll be better, I’ll be the best you’ve ever had; please…!”

Her lips pressed against Serah’s, drawing her into a fierce kiss that Serah didn’t know how to stop. She was starting to feel her resolve weaken as she fell into it, kissing Lumina back because there was a part of her that needed one last time as well. But she also knew it was a bad idea, and as Lumina began trying to undress her, her fingers frantically working the buttons on her shirt, it took all the strength Serah had inside of her to stop her.

“Please,” she begged her, her voice absolutely distraught as she held Lumina’s wrists firmly in her grasp. “Please stop, you’re just going to make it harder…”

“Just once more, Serah!” Lumina begged against her lips, her breathing ragged as desperation overtook her. “Only once, that’s all I’m asking for! I can change your mind, I promise; I’ll make you feel better about everything, just give me the chance to…!”

Serah stifled a sob as she let go of Lumina’s wrists, grasping the girl’s face between her hands. “I love you, Claire,” she breathed, needing her to know that. “More than anything. So please… _please_ come back to me. I don’t care how long it takes; I’ll wait for you forever.”

Lumina’s expression crumpled as Serah placed her lips delicately against the girl’s forehead. “She’ll never let me,” she told her, her sorrow breaking her words in half. “Even if she learns to love me, she’ll never let us love you like that. You’re throwing it away, Serah; you’re throwing us away!”

Serah didn’t want to believe that to be true, even though she was terrified that it might be. She wanted to believe that if she let Claire go, that maybe she’d come back to her when she was whole again, and they could finally have something real. Because this… this wasn’t real, and there was only so long one could immerse themselves in a lie until it finally destroyed them. Serah couldn’t let it; she couldn’t let _this_ be the thing that breaks them, when it was supposed to be something beautiful, something _right._

They loved each other, so it was supposed to be easy. But it wasn’t; it was anything but.

“I’m sorry,” Serah whispered for the umpteenth time, each time wishing that this one would be the one that made it better, but it never did. Letting Lumina go, Serah finally turned and left the room, leaving her sister to crumple onto the floor and cry out with despair and fury from her loss. 

The sound of it broke Serah’s heart, and it took everything she had inside of her to not turn back around, take back everything she just said, and just envelope the girl into her arms. But she had to be strong, and she had to do the right thing, even if the right thing made her feel like she was shattering into a million pieces.

Because this wasn’t about her anymore; it was about Claire.

**TBC…**


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's been reviewing thus far. Hearing what you guys think is really the best part of doing this :) Also I lied when I said this was only going to be five parts, lol. I've written through six already, and there's gonna be at least one or two more after that.

**IV.**

Lightning had never known what it was to feel her heart break. She and sadness may be old friends, but this was a different kind of sadness that felt as though her stomach was being ripped from her gut and her chest was being torn in two. It felt like she was completely shattering inside, and no matter how hard she tried to pull herself together, pieces of her just kept chipping away, threatening to leave her with nothing at all.

Earlier, when Lightning had come to, her entire bedroom had been trashed. Lumina had apparently thrown a tantrum, and nearly everything Lightning owned was either carelessly thrown about or broken completely. But none of that was what stuck out to her when she awoke; instead what had grabbed her attention was one sentence that was angrily scrawled a couple dozen times across her beige walls.

_I hate you, this is your fault._

Lightning sat on her bed with her holorecorder in her hands for quite some time after that, just trying to gather up the courage to turn it on and play back what it was that had happened. She was afraid of the answers, and rightly so, because once she turned it on and saw the image of Serah coming into her room after she had turned into Lumina, the sense of horror and despair she was feeling inside grew tenfold during the events that followed.

Whatever she had thought was happening between the two of them, it certainly wasn’t this. After knowing the cause of her black outs and remembering the time she had awoken in Serah’s bed, Lightning had her suspicions about them being sexually involved, but she had never—she never once believed that it was _consensual._ Lightning had spent so long convincing herself that whatever she felt for her sister was one sided, and yet there Serah was, spelling out as clear as day that it wasn’t. Lumina having forced herself on Serah would have been absolutely horrendous, but there was something about _this_ that made it feel just as terrible. 

Everything Lightning had ever wanted, being given to the part of her that she despised. She felt sickened, she felt betrayed, and she felt as though her entire world and everything she had thought she had known were crumbling down around her.

_**You were supposed to be mine forever.** _

_**I am, I swear I am…** _

Lightning felt like she wanted to break something, because it wasn’t her that Serah was talking to. No matter how much Serah believed they were the same person, right then, it didn’t feel like it. Lightning didn’t get to experience _any_ of this, and because of that it felt like her sister’s words were a knife to the heart. All the love and devotion she had craved for so long, given freely to someone else, just because they didn’t have things like rationality and guilt holding them back. Lightning had never been one to complain about fairness, as the world in general was not a fair place, but this… _this_ wasn’t fair. This was so far past the realm of ‘fair’ that Lightning felt like she was going to vomit before punching a hole straight through her bedroom wall.

But in the end, she couldn’t move. She just continued to stare at the damn image of her sister and Lumina, feeling her heart compress in her chest and her eyes well up with tears that she blinked back, refusing to let them fall. She didn’t want them to be worth her sorrow, even though Serah might be the only thing worth it in this entire world.

Lumina eventually succumbed to begging and tears as she implored with Serah not to leave her, and when she pressed her lips against her sister’s in a last effort to make her stay, Lightning had to turn her head away. She wished she was disgusted for all the right reasons; the incestuous relationship, Lumina’s physical age… but the fact of it was, the only reason it disgusted her was because Serah was with the most undeserving person on this earth. Lumina was a chaotic mess solely driven by her unstable emotions and frequent impulses; she was everything Lightning hated, and everything she thought Serah hated as well, because Lumina… she couldn’t protect her, she couldn’t take care of her, or make her feel safe. And wasn’t that… wasn’t that what she needed to _be_ for her? Wasn’t that what Serah wanted?

Perhaps not, given what her sister had been doing to her other half for the past few months. Lightning was thankful Serah stopped Lumina before they slept together again, as she was sure she’d never be able to bear witness to that and stay relatively sane, but it was merely a small favor amongst a sea of lies and betrayal.

**_I love you, Claire; more than anything. So please…_ please _come back to me. I don’t care how long it takes; I’ll wait for you forever._**

Lightning couldn’t hold her tears back after that, but they were completely silent as Lightning pushed the holorecorder off the bed and stared blankly at the wall. She could feel the hot sting of them run down her cheeks, but they were nothing in comparison to how tight her throat felt; it had closed up so much in her desire to not let herself outwardly express her emotions that Lightning was now having trouble breathing, and the sheer pain of it made it feel as though her esophagus was being put through a meat grinder. Lightning swallowed hard, and it was like jagged rocks were getting caught in her throat.

She didn’t know how she was supposed to feel. Jealous, angry, disgusted, _betrayed_? Lightning felt all of that and more, and the wave of conflicting emotions made her unable to move, to think, to breathe. She just sat cross legged on her bed, staring at the words of blame and fury on her wall, wondering what she was supposed to do now. Should she confront Serah, or did it even matter anymore? Nothing Serah could say would ever make it better anyway; what was done had already been done.

But amongst all of her other emotions was one more that Lightning knew, rationally, she shouldn’t have: guilt. Despite Serah’s terrible decisions and her web of lies, Lightning still felt as though this was entirely her fault. If she had maybe had an easier time accepting Lumina, the girl would have never manifested. She would have never slept with Serah, she would have never ruined her sister’s life. Because that was the reason, at the end of the day, why Lightning never acted on her feelings. It would completely destroy Serah’s life.

Serah was throwing away normalcy in favor of something that could never be real. She was betraying Snow, the man that she loved, because of some sickness that had infested their bloodline. Lightning couldn’t watch Serah throw everything away like that, not for her, and certainly not for Lumina. She could never provide her with the things she knew Serah craved; a spouse, _children…_ a real life, and not one shrouded in secrecy and lies.

And yet even still, with all of that in mind and every reason in the book not to ever pursue such a thing, it completely shredded Lightning inside that she never even got a taste of what it would be like to have everything she had ever desired. Instead, that was given to _her._

Lightning had never hated the girl more than she did in that very moment.

Fingers closing around a marker she found on the ground, Lightning’s feet moved without conscious thought as she uncapped it and placed it against the surface of the wall. _You brought this on yourself,_ she wrote, knowing this was complete madness and yet in that moment, not really caring. _You ruined her life. You deserve this pain._

Lightning closed her eyes as she dropped the marker, slumping against the wall as she felt her message to Lumina throw itself back in her face. She was supposed to control that part of her; she was supposed to make sure something like this didn’t happen, and yet she couldn’t. Maybe Lumina was right; maybe this really was her fault. 

She couldn’t be in there any longer. The words on the walls were taunting her, and Lightning ripped open the door to her bedroom in an effort to just find some space to breathe, to think, to figure out what it was she was supposed to do next. But it seemed that wouldn’t be allotted her, because once Lightning stepped out into the living room, she was confronted by the sight of her little sister, throwing some of her possessions into a large duffle bag.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Lightning asked, the words just tumbling out of her mouth the second her brain had registered what she was seeing. Her voice was hoarse though, scratchy and broken from all the crying she had done, and the sound of it made her sister freeze in place before slowly turning to face her.

Serah’s eyes were puffy and bloodshot, no doubt like Lightning’s own. Her shoulders slumped as she looked at her sister, looking as though exhaustion was completely overtaking her as she sat heavily on the couch. “I’m moving out,” she told her, voice practically emotionless. Lightning’s chest constricted.

“What…?”

When Lightning watched her tell Lumina that she was taking herself out of the equation, she hadn’t thought that she meant _this._ Lightning might be furious with her, completely hurt and broken by what she had done, but that didn’t mean she wanted her to _leave._

“Vanille and Fang said I could stay with them for a while,” Serah explained softly, her gaze unable to hold Lightning’s for very long as she looked back down at her duffle. “They… they have an extra room, said I wouldn’t even have to pay rent, so I can still pay for you to stay here. I didn’t want you—I mean, I know you can’t work right now, with what’s happening…”

“You weren’t even going to _discuss_ this with me?” Lightning asked incredulously, her voice tight and her chest compressing with emotion. First Serah betrayed her, lied to her, and now she was going to _abandon_ her? 

Serah closed her eyes, a hot tear scorching down her cheek from beneath her lashes as distress caused a wrinkle in her brow. “I’ve been sleeping with Lumina, Claire,” she told her, the admission being breathed out barely above a whisper. She couldn’t look at her when she said it though, and a sob hitched in the back of her throat before she placed her hand over her mouth. “And I’m sorry,” she apologized, the words coming out muffled around her hand. “I’m so sorry, but I—I can’t stay here. I’m awful, I’m toxic, and I can’t… I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I have to leave.”

Lightning hadn’t expected her to admit it; at least not this soon, as Serah almost always had to be pushed to reveal her own lies. It had been that way ever since she was a child. And so the revelation just caused Lightning to press her back against the wall as she exhaled a shaky breath, completely unable to formulate a response. Everything she wanted to say – about how hurt she was, about how betrayed she felt – was completely lost to her in wake of her own fear. She didn’t want to scream at her, she didn’t want to make Serah feel terrible, because she didn’t want her to leave. And if she did that, she might very well push her out the front door.

So instead, the only thing she could think to do was plead softly, “Don’t leave.”

“Didn’t you hear what I said?!” Serah exclaimed, her voice catching in her throat as she whipped around to face her. Her face was etched with disbelief and sorrow, and so much self-hatred. “Why aren’t you screaming at me right now, why aren’t you telling me how disgusting and horrible I am? Do you even understand what I _did?_ How can you just—how can you just _stand_ there and be okay with what I just told you…?!”

“You think I’m _okay_ with it?” Lightning countered disbelievingly, despite knowing she should just leave it; at least until later, at least until Serah agreed to stay. But Maker, thinking she was actually _okay_ with what Serah had been doing… 

“You have no _idea_ what it is that I’m feeling right now, Serah,” Lightning continued, her voice dropping to a dangerous decibel as she tried to keep her emotions in check, despite the fact that they felt like they were suffocating her. “But I don’t…” Sucking in a hard breath, Lightning allowed her tone to rise to a less threatening level as she implored gently, “I _don’t_ want you to leave.”

_I don’t want you to leave me alone. Please. Please don’t leave me all alone; you might have hurt me, but you’re all that I have left._

“What is _wrong_ with you?!” Serah shrieked, not understanding her sister’s reaction to all of this in the slightest. “How can you be stuck on me leaving, when I just told you I’ve been bedding Lumina behind your back? You don’t even seem shocked, you don’t even—” But then she stopped, her eyes growing wide before she slumped further into the couch, realizing why her sister wasn’t screaming at her and demanding fuller answers. “You already knew, didn’t you…?”

Lightning bit the inside of her cheek so hard that she could taste copper, her mind flashing back to what she witnessed not an hour previously. “I set up a holorecording in my room,” she admitted softly, her voice practically devoid of emotion as she struggled to suppress everything she felt. She didn’t want her sister to know how much pain she was in right then, because at the moment, other things just mattered more.

Serah blanched, her expression stricken as she no doubt remembered all that she and Lumina discussed in there. “No, that… that _wasn’t_ how you were supposed to find out,” Serah stammered, her trembling hand being pressed to her lips as another tear rolled down the contour of her cheek. “Maker, that wasn’t how you were supposed to find out! I was supposed to… I needed to do the _right thing_ for once, be honest with you, and you—that wasn’t how you were supposed to find out!”

“And telling me you were sleeping with my… my _alter ego_ – or whatever the hell Lumina’s supposed to be – after informing me that you’re planning on moving out was _better?_ ” Lightning challenged, disbelief coloring her tone. “There is no good way to tell me that you were sleeping with another _me_ behind my back, Serah! There is no good way to tell me that this was why you allowed me to feel terrified of what I was doing during my blackouts for… for _months._ I thought I _raped_ you, Serah! I woke up in your bed naked and terrified _and I thought I did something horrible to you!_ ”

“I know!” Serah cried, wiping at her tears as she looked up at Lightning, her gaze begging for forgiveness. “I know, and I’m sorry! I was just afraid—”

“No, you don’t get to _speak_ to me about being ‘afraid’ right now!” Lightning shouted, having completely lost her self-control by this point. She didn’t want to do this right now, she didn’t want to feel this, because she wanted—she _needed_ Serah to stay. But at the same time, there was only so long she could keep everything inside until she threatened to burst. “Because you weren’t afraid, Serah; you were ashamed of yourself. That is _not_ the same thing. That’s not even close.”

“Well of _course_ I was ashamed of myself!” Serah exclaimed, looking at her sister incredulously, tear tracks staining her cheeks with the black from her mascara. “How _else_ would I feel, when I grew up with a sister who barely even touched me? Who always claimed she loved me more than anything, yet kept herself at a distance? I thought I was damaged for what I felt – sick and disgusting and _wrong_ – and yet, come to find out almost ten years later, that I’m not the only one who—!”

“Stop it!” Lightning demanded, her chest constricting as she pushed herself off the wall, coming over to her sister in a flash to halt her words. Her palm hit Serah’s chest before she could register what she was doing, and the girl was pushed backwards on the couch and pinned beneath her weight. “We aren’t talking about me; we are _never_ talking about me! What I feel is my own business, Serah; _not_ yours!”

Serah looked up at her with wide eyes, and it was then that Lightning realized what she was doing. Her hand shot off of her like she had been burned. “I’m—I’m sorry,” she stumbled, feeling awful about manhandling her despite the fact that she hadn’t put any real strength behind it, and she doubted that she had hurt her. Still, that was completely unacceptable; she was supposed to protect Serah, not scare her.

But Serah didn’t look scared at all. In fact, all she looked was apologetic as she stared up at her with wide, watery eyes, gently reaching up to brush the hair from her sister’s eyes. The silence enveloped the two women for quite some time as they just stared at one another, until finally Serah’s gaze fell from Lightning’s eyes to her lips and she whispered, “I’m sorry too, Claire.” And Lightning thought she meant for what she did, but when Serah reached up to cup the back of her neck, the older woman realized she meant it for what she was _about_ to do a second too late.

There was nothing gentle or exploratory in the way that Serah kissed her. It was pure sadness, raw desperation, and a sense of finality that tasted bittersweet on Lightning’s tongue. She knew what this was supposed to be, and while she also knew that this would only make it harder, there was still a part of her that refused to stop it from happening. Lumina, probably, or whatever she was made up of, but for once it _wasn’t_ her that Serah was holding, was kissing; and it was the acute realization that this would probably be her first and only kiss with her sister, that caused Lightning to press her lips harder against Serah’s and taste everything that the girl had to offer, if only for a moment.

In the end, her sister was and would always be her one and only weakness.

Serah groaned in need as she felt Lightning respond to the kiss, and her fingers grasped for the hemline of her sister’s shirt, bunching it up against the middle of her back. Perfectly manicured nails scraped against pale and soft flesh as Serah arched into her, and Lightning nipped a little roughly at her sister’s bottom lip in warning. She didn’t want marks, because however this ended up playing out, Lightning was certain she wouldn’t want reminders of it later. She shouldn’t even be doing this _now_ , and yet…

Serah moaned deep in her throat, the sound in response to the sharp bite of pain that was supposed to be delivered in warning, and yet instead was received as a challenge. It sent a fierce heat throughout Lightning’s body as it centered in a place she knew it never should, and when Serah began sucking on her tongue with renewed fervor, Lightning grasped her chin in her hand, forced her face to the side, and wrapped her lips around the flesh of her sister’s neck.

No, she didn’t want marks. She didn’t want to remember, because it would be painful to look at them later. But _Serah…_ Serah should. It was just another part of Lightning that she despised, this vindictive side to her personality that she had tried to bury in favor of being a better person. But Serah didn’t want that, did she? She _bedded_ that side of her, the side of her that was selfish and angry and at times a little cruel, and so that was the side that Lightning allotted her, knowing full well that she would make Serah regret it.

Serah was so caught up in the feeling though that she didn’t understand the motivations behind it. Instead she cried out softly in pleasure, her fingertips pressing so hard into Lightning’s skin that they left white marks behind before they found a new home. Serah pressed her hips forwards, connecting with her sister’s thigh as Lightning put every effort into creating a nice, dark mark where it would be impossible to hide. And when she was finished she pulled away from her, sitting back on her haunches as she looked down at her sister, her chest heaving heavily and her eyes black with lustful fury.

Serah’s face was flushed, looking torn between being incredibly turned on and very confused as to why it had suddenly stopped. But she got her answer when Lightning looked her dead in the eyes and said, without any sense of apology or sympathy for what she had done, “Explain _that_ to Snow.”

Serah’s expression suddenly crumbled.

Lightning knew she was being awful, she knew saying something like that was beyond low, but Serah needed to see how toxic this was. She didn’t care that Serah needed some finality or a goodbye to the part of her she never truly got to have, because she practically took the other parts of her without permission or thought as to how it would affect the rest of her life. Serah had told Lumina that she would wait for her, wait until she was whole, until Claire was _Claire_ again, but Lightning didn’t want her to. She couldn’t be responsible for ruining Serah’s life like that, no matter how much she desired having her sister all to herself.

“You remember him, don’t you?” Lightning continued, her breaths uneven and her cheeks tinted pink as she tried to let her body settle down from the high Serah had allotted her. “Your fiancée, the man that you’re supposed to marry? What the _hell_ are you doing with your life, Serah?”

“Don’t,” Serah begged, her eyes beginning to water again as she sat up, roughly pushing Lighting off of her. “Don’t talk about him. Not right now.”

“Why, because it makes you feel guilty?” Lightning challenged, needing Serah to understand the severity of her actions. Maybe that way, she’d finally make the right choice. “You _should_ feel guilty, Serah. Snow might irritate me to no end with his persistent optimism and blatant arrogance, but he’s a good man; he’s the man that waited for you until the end of the world, and you’re an idiot if you throw that away for something that isn’t even real.”

“ _Believe_ me, Claire,” Serah shot back, her voice scratchy as she tried to hold back her tears. “I know that he deserves much better than me. But if you think I’m making some kind of choice here, then you didn’t pay enough attention to that holorecording of yours. I broke it off with Lumina, and as much as I would like to—” Serah looked at her for a long moment before turning away, shaking her head, and exhaling a sigh. “I can’t. This entire situation is a mess, and it’s not going to get better until you stop trying to be someone else, and accept who you really are.”

“You said you’d wait for me,” Lightning reminded her, although she kept her voice level in order to suppress the emotion that elicited in her, as it was counterproductive to what she was trying to achieve. “So yes, I _did_ pay enough attention to it; enough to know that you’re still holding out hope for something we can never have. We’re sick, Serah, that’s _it;_ there’s just something wrong with us. Snow is your future, so don’t throw it away for a mistake I’ll never let you make anyway. I love you far too much to watch you ruin your life because of me.”

Serah looked a little panicked, apparently not having remembered that that was a part of the conversation Lightning had witnessed. “I was… placating her.”

“No, you weren’t,” Lightning countered, having seen the lie written all over Serah’s face. It made her angry; it made her upset and nearly physically ill, for her to deny it like that. It meant something to her, more than it should, and more than Lightning would ever let on because protecting Serah was more important than her own needs. “Don’t you dare—don’t lie to me, Serah. _Don’t._ Not about that.”

Serah’s expression became distressed, and she shook her head and looked away. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me that you’re not going to waste your life because of me!”

“And yet you don’t want me to _lie?_ ” Serah responded, looking at her incredulously. “Because you can’t have it both ways, Lightning!”

Lightning looked at her sadly, and as Serah wiped the last of her tears from her cheeks and sat on the edge of the couch, she pursed her lips and looked away. “I’m in love with you, Claire,” she admitted softly. “I have been as long as I can remember. I don’t know how to shut it off; I don’t know how to make it disappear. I’ve tried, alright? Maker knows that I’ve _tried._ But I just can’t—I can’t ever get you out of my head, and I’m sorry. I don’t—I don’t know what to do anymore. And that’s why…” Her eyes connected with her sister’s then, and her expression became saddened and apologetic. “That’s why I have to leave. Not just for you, but for me too.”

“Serah,” Lightning implored, clasping her hand around the other woman’s wrist. That tightness had settled in her chest again, threatening to suffocate her. “I can’t—please don’t leave. I…” She stumbled over the words, yet she forced them out all the same. “I need you.”

“Really?” Serah countered, disbelievingly. “Because I’m pretty sure the last thing you need right now is me, after all I’ve done to you.”

“I can’t stay like this, Serah!” Lightning exclaimed, needing her to understand how crippling this was for her. “I can’t work, I can’t live like a normal person unless Lumina stops manifesting, so unless I…” Lightning paused, the words ‘accept myself’ sounding too ludicrous to even utter out loud. “I need _help_ , Serah. I need you to help me. I can’t live like this forever.”

Serah looked at her like she had six heads. “Do you even understand what you’re asking?” Lightning went to answer, but Serah wouldn’t let her. “Lightning, Lumina’s not going to go away until you accept her and allow her to be a part of you. That’s not going to happen unless you deal with your feelings about me, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that’s the last thing you want to do right now.”

Lightning averted her gaze. “That’s not the only reason I dislike her, Serah. It’s so much more than that.”

“I know there’s more to it, but that’s still a big issue for you.” She looked her dead in the eyes. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

She couldn’t. Lighting exhaled a long sigh, slumping back against the couch and she ran her hands down her face. “I can’t ruin your life, Serah. I can’t.”

Serah fiddled with her hands, silent for a long moment as she thought. Finally she glanced over, her suggestion tentative as she responded, “Well… maybe if you just—I don’t know, maybe if you could just get it out of your _system_ or something…”

Lightning shot her a glare. “Don’t proposition me, Serah. I’m not going to sleep with you. Maybe you might be okay with doing that to Snow, but I’m not. I won’t be that kind of person, I won’t.”

Serah’s face etched with pain at the mention of her fiancée, yet instead of expressing her upset, she lashed out. Maybe she just couldn’t accept the severity of what she was doing to the man she claimed she loved. “And yet you’re okay with leaving a huge _hickey_ on my neck for him to find?”

“You’ll cover it somehow,” Lightning responded tiredly. “Spin your web of lies. Whatever it is that you do now.”

Serah looked offended, _hurt,_ and she rose to stand so quickly that it startled Lightning out of her brooding. “Fine, if that’s what you think of me—”

“That’s what you’re _doing,_ Serah. I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you.”

“Do you think I _enjoy_ this?!” Serah exclaimed, rounding on her, eyes beginning to water again. Her bottom lip trembled as she continued, “I feel like such a monster, doing this to him, but how was I supposed to say no to everything I ever wanted? How was I supposed to pretend that he wasn’t my second choice? I love Snow and he’s a good man – a much better one than someone like me deserves – but I didn’t—I just got caught up in it, Lightning. I’m in love with you, what was I supposed to do?!”

“Not fuck some cheap copy of me!” Lightning exclaimed, and Serah noticeably started from her less than ideal language. It wasn’t often that she swore, as Lightning had made a point to never do so in front of her. She never wanted to become a bad influence, but apparently that rubbed off regardless of how she spoke to her.

But before Serah could apologize for the umpteenth time, a sentiment that meant nothing because it couldn’t change what had happened, Lightning shook her head and looked away. “It doesn’t matter. You made your choice; there’s no changing that. I can’t… I know you’re looking for forgiveness, Serah, and I’ve always—my entire life, I have always tried to give you everything that you wanted, but with this… it’s just—it’s not easy.”

“I know,” Serah whispered, her gaze meeting the floor. Lightning looked up at her then, and she paused until Serah’s gaze rose to meet her own.

“But if you want to… _try,_ to make amends, then I need you to—” Lightning stopped herself momentarily, this look of desperation crossing over her face as she continued, “I need you to stay, Serah. I need your _help._ Help me, please. You’re the only one I…” _Trust, even after everything you’ve done._ “You’re the only one that can.”

Serah let out a shaky exhale of breath, looking at her sister for a long time before she knelt down, placing her knees on the carpet as she closed her duffle bag with a resigned sigh, pushing it away from her and out of reach. “How?” she asked softly, staring at the easy route, the out, that she had just tossed aside. Tearing her eyes away from the duffle, she looked up at her sister on the couch and asked, “How can I help you, when I’m part of the reason you fell apart?”

“I don’t know,” Lightning admitted, because she really didn’t; she didn’t know if it would even make a difference, accepting all other parts of herself but _that_ , as it was something Lumina seemed to be stuck on. She wanted Serah, and Lightning had always actively fought against her desire for their sister. But she had to believe that it would help, because she didn’t know what else to do. “But I need you to try.”

Serah swallowed, but didn’t hesitate as she pursed her lips and nodded her consent. There was silence following that, but it was only momentary before whatever Serah was thinking about got the best of her, and her expression completely crumpled with sadness and regret. From her place on the floor, the girl leaned forward just enough to hug her sister’s legs, placing a damp cheek on Lightning’s thigh. “I’m sorry,” she breathed, another tear leaking out of the corner of her eye as she suppressed a sob. “I love you and I’m—I’m _so_ sorry…”

Lightning bit the inside of her cheek, hesitating only briefly before she placed her hand atop her sister’s head, brushing the hair back from her eyes. “I know,” she whispered, her heart constricting in her chest as Serah squeezed her eyes shut, exhaling a violent sob as she gave into her feelings completely. “I know, honey. I know…”

But in the end, it really didn’t matter how sorry Serah was, for it didn’t make any difference at all.

**TBC…**


	5. V

**V.**

Four days. That’s how long it took Serah to come to a decision that’s result made her feel as though she were drowning.

Serah barely remembered her father’s death, but her mother’s she could remember as clearly as though it were yesterday. She was her baby girl; always doting on her and giving Serah the attention that she had come to want, to expect, and to believe would always be there. But it was with her mother’s passing that Serah came to realize that nothing in life was guaranteed, and that the people you come to rely on could be whisked away without a moment’s notice. It was that which probably led Serah to develop this obsessive need to keep people close to her, and to fear quite terribly their inevitable leave. 

But some things are more important than fear; some things are far more important than one’s own selfish desire to keep people close to you, no matter the consequences. That was what Serah repeated in her head over and over as she sat on the edge of her bed, stared blankly at the wall, and struggled to regulate her breathing. She was completely alone now, and that _terrified_ her.

Snow had not taken it well, but after being together for so long, after all that they had been through with each other, Serah had expected it. In the end though, that did not make it easier to stand there and watch as the man fought the urge to cry. She had _devastated_ him, but what else could she do, other than have their entire relationship based on a lie? It wasn’t fair to him, and he deserved so much better than her. She had done far too many awful things behind his back, told him way too many lies, for their relationship to be anything but a farce if she allowed it to continue. At the end of the day, his life would be far better without her.

But even though Serah had been trying to do the ‘right thing’ by ending it with him, by being honest enough to admit to him and even herself that their relationship wasn’t what it should be, she still couldn’t bring herself to tell him the truth of why she had to walk away. Serah could make herself feel better by telling herself that the truth would only hurt him so much worse, but the fact of the matter was that the truth would hurt _her_ far more than it would hurt him; and not just her, but Lightning as well, who didn’t deserve to be caught up in this entire mess either. So Serah lied, and told him that she had just come to the realization that she was gay; it was the closest thing to the truth that she could manage, even though it wasn’t entirely accurate.

Snow blamed Fang, in the end. Which was ridiculous, as being around other gay people didn’t make _you_ gay, but Serah suspected he already knew that, and was just trying to find a reason he could point his anger and devastation at. He demanded to know if she was sleeping with her then, but Serah wasn’t sure he entirely believed her when she said she wasn’t, despite the fact that she and Fang barely hung around each other. But the last thing Serah wanted was for the huntress to be dragged into this mess as well though, so when she finally left Snow’s apartment she sent a text to Fang, warning her about Snow’s little theory. It was likely that he was going to latch onto it until he came to the realization that the way Serah felt inside wasn’t anyone’s fault. It just was what it was.

However, that sent a _slew_ of texts back from Fang, who wanted to know what the hell had happened between them and why she ended up involved in it all, which was then followed by a few missed calls from Vanille, who was no doubt told about three seconds after she had sent the text to Fang. But Serah put her wireless on silent and ignored them all, unable to bring herself to explain what had happened. She could barely even deal with the fact that it had happened at _all._

She had lost Snow. No, she had selfishly tossed him away even before she had let him go, ruining everything they could have had together in favor of something that could never be real. Regardless, Serah no longer had someone to love and take care of her. Lightning, who should have always been there for her, had walked away from her as well because of Serah’s own doing, and now… now she didn’t have anyone. For the first time in her life, Serah was completely alone. 

And Maker, that _terrified_ her.

It took Serah some time to realize that she was having trouble breathing because she was crying so hard. She had been focusing far too much on her inhales and exhales of breath, trying to subdue her oncoming panic attack, that she couldn’t feel the tears that stained her face or hear the sobs that echoed throughout her small bedroom. But someone else had heard her cries, had realized she was breaking far before Serah ever did, and suddenly the door to her room creaked open ever so slowly.

“Serah…?”

Serah took one look at Lumina’s concerned expression and felt herself shatter even further. The girl hadn’t spoken a word to her since she had broken things off, choosing instead to give her the silent treatment all whilst trying to destroy what little patience Lightning had left by ransacking her room each and every time the other woman had put it back into something resembling order. It was a rather juvenile display of her feelings, but Serah couldn’t say that it didn’t work. The longer the silence went on, the worse she felt, and Lightning… well, Lightning had taken to writing Lumina threatening letters that said if she didn’t stop, she’d be forced to tie herself to a goddamn chair the moment she felt herself turning.

All Lumina responded to that was with a written, ‘Kinky. I bet Serah would like that,’ in big bold letters across her bedroom wall, coupled just below with a winking emote. Lightning punched a hole straight through the plaster after that, but she still didn’t make good on her threat. Maybe she was just trying to give Lumina a chance to see reason, or maybe she just had a small amount of compassion for her other half, but either way, if Lumina kept up her antics, Serah doubted Lightning’s inaction would last for very long. The girl was treading on _very_ thin ice.

And so it startled her to be confronted with a side of Lumina she didn’t expect; the side that _cared._ Lumina had been constantly lashing out at everyone and everything she could in order to make herself feel better, that the last thing Serah would have expected was for the girl to come into her bedroom to check on her, regardless of whether or not she was crying. And in a way, it made her feel even worse that she had, because it did prove that even throughout all the horribleness that had made a home in Serah’s life, there was still someone that loved and cared about her. Someone who wanted her, who craved everything she had to give and more, and yet she was forced to toss away as well.

And Maker, it made Serah despise herself.

“I’m _alone,_ ” Serah wheezed, barely able to speak through her sobs as she wrapped her arms around her form, trying to hold herself together. It was a truth she never wanted to face, and yet there it was, a hell of her own making. How had she managed to destroy everything so badly…?

Lumina didn’t say anything. She just stared at her for a long time, before finally coming to a decision and allowing her bare feet to pad across the carpet. After she climbed up on the bed, Lumina tugged on the sleeve of Serah’s shirt, encouraging the woman to lay down with her. Serah, feeling broken and lost, obliged without hesitation, curling in on herself as Lumina wrapped her arms around her midsection, nuzzling her nose into the back of Serah’s neck. The older Farron waited for her to say something, anything, but it didn’t seem like Lumina was planning on giving her an explanation anytime soon. And so Serah just held her pillow to her chest and cried, allowing the girl to give her some semblance of comfort, even if she couldn’t understand why she was getting it.

It took a long time until Serah was too exhausted to cry any longer. All she could do was stare at the wall and listen to her own erratic, shallow breaths as Lumina delicately fiddled with the ends of her hair, still not having offered a word. Serah was beginning to think she was back to her silent treatment and just handling it all a bit oddly, but then Lumina finally opened her mouth. 

“I’m still mad at you.”

Serah closed her eyes and exhaled a resigned breath. “I know…”

“And you’re still stupid and a part of me is glad you’re alone now, because everything hurts and I want you to feel like I do. But…” Lumina paused then, her lips pressing against the fabric that covered Serah’s shoulder; not a kiss, but more like a momentary obstruction as she hesitated to say her next words. “Everything hurts so much worse when you cry.”

There was a sense of sweetness to that which made Serah ache to turn around and just get lost in the other girl. She wanted to block out the world, to just feel loved for a second even if it was momentary. But that was what had gotten her into this situation in the first place, and so Serah only blindly reached for her, clasping their fingers tightly together as she pulled their joint hands to rest over her heart. It was the only way she knew how to convey how she was feeling that wouldn’t ultimately land her in even more trouble. 

Lumina looked down at her for a moment before allowing herself to rest more fully against Serah’s back. “Did he find out?” she asked softly, her words being muffled against the skin of Serah’s neck. The girl’s hot breaths made Serah’s hairs stand on end, and she had to shift away a little bit in order to preserve her self-control. Not wanting Lumina to feel rejected however, Serah covered up the intentions behind her movements by physically shaking her head.

“No,” she told her, voice scratchy and raw. “I—I left him.”

“Why?” Lumina asked, honestly curious as she cocked her head to the side and furrowed her brow. “Wasn’t he supposed to be your backup? I thought that was the whole point of him.”

Serah closed her eyes, sadness etching across her expression as the painful truth was played back to her without any remorse. “That… _shouldn’t_ be the whole point to anyone, Lumina. Don’t you see how awful that is? Snow, he’s… he’s so much better off without me; I just… I really don’t know how much better off _I_ am without him.”

“And that’s why you’re sad,” Lumina deduced, her voice soft as she looked down at the woman in her arms. Serah pursed her lips, another tear leaking out from the corner of her eye as she nodded. There was a pause, and then Lumina’s tentative voice told her, “You don’t have to _be_ sad, you know…”

“Don’t,” Serah demanded, her voice broken and weak. She didn’t have the strength for this; not right now. “Please don’t. You know I can’t, so just please… be my _sister_ right now. That’s all—that’s all I want. I just want my sister back…”

“But we never left.” Lumina sounded so confused by Serah’s plea that it caused the woman to slowly turn to face her. It struck her then, how innocent Lumina could be sometimes; it made Serah wonder why Lightning didn’t like that part of herself either. Certainly there was nothing depraved about that. “We’re always your sister, Serah. Even if we love you the wrong way, that doesn’t go away… does it?”

Serah’s chest filled with an ache she couldn’t swallow, and she breathed out her own confusion of, “I honestly don’t even know anymore. I just know that I feel…” Serah struggled to get out the words, her sorrow catching in her throat. “I feel alone, Lumina. I feel alone, and so terribly lost…”

Lumina’s brow knitted, and Serah’s sadness was reflected on the face of her sister. “Could she fix it?” she asked softly, almost as though she were afraid of the answer. “Claire. If we were… if we made ourselves whole again, could she fix it?”

“Maybe if you both found something in our relationship worth salvaging, but I don’t… I don’t even know if there is anymore. I screwed everything up, and you both can never agree on anything anyway. So what’s the point?” Serah exhaled a sigh as she turned back around, facing the wall as she stared at an imperfection on the paint. “Besides,” she continued, “I’m supposed to be fixing her, aren’t I?”

She still hadn’t the faintest clue on how to do that. Serah had asked Lightning to make a list of everything she didn’t like about herself a few days ago, so they could at least figure out what she needed to work on accepting, but her sister had yet to finish it. Either it was extremely long, or Lightning was ashamed to show her a list of her flaws. Either way, Serah didn’t have much hope of this situation fixing itself any time soon.

“We agree on you,” Lumina told her softly, her gaze flickering downwards to take in the profile of her sister’s face. “We don’t like to see you sad. We don’t like to see you cry. It hurts. It hurts all the time now, when before it didn’t— you weren’t _sad_ , when we were her.”

“Because none of this ever happened back then,” Serah responded lifelessly, feeling like she had made every wrong decision there was to make in her life in the span of only a few months. “Maybe Lightning was right… maybe it was better, never acknowledging what we felt. All it did was destroy everything.”

“No,” Lumina denied, shaking her head. “No, Serah, we’re—we’re _special,_ you know we are. We just… we did it the wrong way. That has to be the reason everything got ruined, because something that feels this…” But the girl struggled with the word, and just shook her head again in protest. “It can’t be wrong. It can’t be bad. Love can’t be _bad,_ Serah, because it’s the greatest thing in the whole world. It’s what everyone wants, right?”

“Nobody wants this kind of love, Lumina,” Serah told her, her voice hollow and detached as she continued staring at the wall. “There’s something wrong with us, with the way we feel.”

“But…” Lumina protested softly, her voice tingeing with sadness. “Why _can’t_ we be everything for one another, when we’re all each other has…? Why do we have to deny ourselves what everyone else has, just because they fell in love with the right kind of person and we didn’t?”

“I don’t know,” Serah responded, her voice barely above a whisper as a part of her ached to take Lumina’s side of things. She wanted everything, she wanted everything with her sister; she always had. But if the part of Claire that feared it won out when they were whole, then what else was she supposed to do? “Take it up with Lightning, because I just… I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to want, what I’m supposed to feel anymore. I’m just… I’m _tired._ I’m tired of all of this; I just want things to go back to the way they were.”

No more words were exchanged then, Lumina having kept herself silent, maybe even a little contemplative as she settled further against Serah’s back, and held her until she fell asleep. In the end, that was probably all she knew how to do to comfort her. 

But when Serah awoke hours later, it wasn’t a small body that was nestled against her back; it was a larger form, one that enveloped her and shielded her from the outside world, like her sister always had whenever she was sad or afraid. Back then, it was the only time Lightning would really touch her, and so Serah used to feign nightmares in order to be cradled back to sleep, despite knowing she was too old for such a thing. Still, Lightning didn’t complain, nor push her out of her bed, instead choosing to act like the mother that they had both lost.

Serah felt her abdomen tighten as she bit her lower lip, gently turning herself in her sister’s arms so she could face her. Lightning was fast asleep, but the movement caused her to grunt in unconscious protest as she snuggled her face into the crook of Serah’s neck. The younger woman held her breath, afraid to wake her should that mean this position’s end. It was so… it was everything Serah missed, and just the feel of Lightning’s arm wrapped protectively around her midsection brought tears to her eyes once more. She just wanted… she just wanted _this;_ why couldn’t she always have this? This was perfect. This was everything. 

This was the sister she missed having.

Serah bit her lower lip hard, trying to suppress her emotion as she lightly dragged her fingertips through Lightning’s hair. And it was then that she saw it, a tiny note scribbled on the wall next to her bed, so small that Serah had to squint to make out the words.

_Don’t leave her, she needs us. Make her feel better, cause I don’t know how._

It was probably the most caring, unselfish thing Lumina had ever done, handing her off to Lightning because she realized her other half might be able to fix what she couldn’t, that it made Serah choke back a sob as her heart panged with love and loss. And it was that sound that startled Lightning awake, the woman grunting sleepily as she shifted, moving back enough to blink the sleep from her eyes as she took in what had disturbed her.

“Serah?” Her voice was hoarse, deep and sexy and scratchy, and Serah didn’t bother to think about what she was doing when she cupped her cheek and kissed her soundly on the lips, tasting the morning on her sister’s tongue. She didn’t care though; she just needed to express how that note made her feel, regardless of the consequences. 

Lightning seemed too shocked and disoriented to really process that she instinctively reciprocated the kiss, but it didn’t last long anyhow, as Serah didn’t want to push what little luck she had somehow managed to get away with. So when she broke, Serah closed her eyes, allowing another tear to fall down her cheek as she smiled and placed her forehead gently against her sister’s. “You have to see it now. You _have_ to… You do, don’t you, Claire?”

“What…?” Lightning asked, still sounding so completely confused by what she had awoken to. “See— _what?_ ”

“Your note.”

Lightning blinked, still trying to wake up enough to process what the hell was going on. But then she seemed to realize, and she shifted to look behind her at the words scribbled on the wall. “I… I didn’t write that, Serah. Lumina, she—”

“Lumina is you, and you did—don’t you get it?” Serah tried, needing Lightning to see what she saw. “That’s the ‘worst’ part of you. That’s… how can you look at that, and still hate yourself? Even the worst parts of you are… they will always be overshadowed by what’s important. They will always be overshadowed by the best, even when all you have left are the things you despise.”

Lightning’s lips parted, but no words came out. She still looked like she was trying to formulate a response, maybe even a rebuttal, but Serah wouldn’t let her. 

“I’m not… this isn’t me trying to have something with you that you’re not comfortable with. And I’m sorry that I kissed you, but it just… it made me feel…” Serah shook her head, allowing her thumb to trace the contour of her sister’s cheek. “It doesn’t matter. This isn’t about me; this is about you, and even if one simple sentence doesn’t fix everything, I just need you to see what I see in you, even if it’s only for a moment. I need to open that door somehow, otherwise you’ll never…”

Serah’s gaze flickered across her sister’s face, before coming to rest on her eyes. “You said you wanted to be fixed, right? Well this is the proof that you don’t need to be. There’s nothing wrong with you, and there’s certainly nothing bad about you. There can’t be, when even the most selfish part of you thinks of someone else before yourself. That _says_ something about you, Claire; that says what kind of person you really are.”

Emotion flickered across her face before Lightning had to turn away from her sister’s touch, sitting up a little more fully as she averted her gaze. “It’s too early for this, Serah… I just—she said you needed me, so I…”

“So you stayed.”

“Yes.” Lightning looked back at her then, taking in her sister’s expression as she questioned, “What _happened_ last night, Serah?”

Pain etched itself across Serah’s face as she was served a reminder of why she was so miserable, and she swallowed and looked away. “You’ll be upset with me.” Lightning wanted her to have a normal life, but she had thrown that all away. In the end though, it was the right thing to do; Snow deserved so much better than her, no matter how much pain it brought her to walk away.

Lightning pursed her lips, no doubt expecting the worst as she braced herself for the answer. “Tell me.” She probably feared that she slept with Lumina again, but lately, sex was the last thing on Serah’s mind; all it did was destroy everything she held dear.

“I… I let him go.”

It didn’t take long for realization to dawn on Lightning’s face, and her sister exhaled the breath she had been holding as she began, “Serah…”

“Don’t,” Serah begged, not wanting to hear it. Suppressing the emotion she felt inside, needing to be more than just a crying _mess_ for at least once in her life, Serah continued, “I know this isn’t what you wanted for me, but I couldn’t trap him in a relationship based on lies. He deserves better than that; you _know_ he does. This wasn’t about you, and it certainly wasn’t about me, because I would have kept him rather than be alone, because it… it scares me, being alone. It always has. But I… I couldn’t keep _doing_ this to him. I had to do the right thing, even if it was…”

Losing the battle within herself, Serah choked back a sob as she admitted, “Even if it _destroys_ me inside because I… I loved him, Lightning; I loved him so much. Even if he was my second choice, even if he was meant to be nothing more than a distraction, I still fell in love with him and it… it _hurts_ , letting him go. It hurts me so badly that I feel like I could die from the pain, and I hate it; I _hate_ myself, Claire. I hate everything that I’ve done, everything that I’ve become… I’m just weak, and stupid, and selfish, and… and _terrible…_ ”

“No, no; shhh…” Lightning hushed, not hesitating for even a second before she gathered the trembling, crying form of her little sister up into her arms. Serah grasped for her, burying her face into Lightning’s neck as she released her sorrow to the only person she trusted it with. “Serah, no, you’re not… you’re _not_ terrible. You just… you made some bad choices, but that’s all they are; choices. Don’t let them define who you are, because you’re so much more than that.”

Was she? She didn’t feel like it. 

Lightning tightened her hand protectively in her hair as she kissed the top of her head, and it took a good long while until Serah had calmed down enough to stop crying. But even then, Lightning didn’t let go of her; she continued to cradle her in her arms as Serah blocked out the world by burying her face in her bosom, unable to tear herself away from the kind of comfort she was being allotted. Her mother used to hold her like this when she was a child, and it was that kind of nostalgia that made her never want to let her sister go, for she had always wanted Lightning to become everything for her. A mother, a sister, a lover… it was probably sick, to crave all those different kinds of relationships from one person, but Serah didn’t know how to fight against it any longer. She was tired of running from how she felt, and with everything out in the open now, there wasn’t much point to anymore.

“Do you want me to make you some breakfast?” Lightning offered quietly, moving back just enough to coax Serah’s gaze towards hers. She tucked a strand of hair behind her sister’s ear, and for once, Serah could see it; everything she felt, all of the contradiction that their relationship was and what they wished it could be, being reflected in her sister’s eyes. She loved her, she desired her, she wanted to take care of her. And Maker, it hurt that Lightning felt the need to stop herself, even if she might have been right all along; that something like this wasn’t healthy for them.

Serah laughed softly, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. “You can’t even cook.”

“I can try. How hard can eggs be?”

Serah smirked. “They’re able to be burnt, so for you, I’d say pretty difficult.” Lightning’s mouth dropped open, feigning offense as Serah giggled and sat up. “Its fine,” she told her, wanting her sister to know that she’ll be alright; that whatever happened, it didn’t permanently break her, even though it felt at times that it would. “I’ll make breakfast; I think… I think I need the distraction anyway, you know? Just… do me a favor and wash Lumina’s message off the wall? I should really invest in a notepad for you both.”

But as she was climbing off the bed, she stopped herself, realizing something. “Wait, maybe that’s it,” Serah said suddenly, turning towards her sister. Lightning’s brow creased, and Serah explained, “You both… you need to talk; like really _talk_ to one another. Maybe… I don’t know, maybe if you just _tried_ to understand one another, you both could come to some sort of… agreement.”

Lightning looked at her disbelievingly. “Serah, we’re… Lumina and I, we’re completely different. I don’t think there _is_ any kind of agreement to be made.”

“Well you both agree on me,” Serah countered. “Lumina told me that earlier. Was she wrong?”

Lightning chewed on the inside of her cheek for a moment as she paused. “No,” she softly admitted. “How we feel about you, the fact that we both want what’s best for you… that doesn’t change. But _what_ we think is best for you, Serah… that does. And therein lies the problem.”

“Look just… _talk_ to her, okay?” Serah tried, shooting her sister a pleading look. “Please, for me? You said you wanted to get better, Light, and that’s not going to happen unless you put some kind of effort into it.”

Lightning knew that, but seemed reluctant to say so. It was strange, how she used to be so eager to get on the front lines and put herself in danger day in and day out as a soldier, and yet now, when confronted with a very bizarre form of introspection, she practically ran away in fear. Eventually though, she did comply; although whether it was for herself or her sister, Serah didn’t know. “So what… you just want me to write her a letter?”

“Or maybe just talk to her in the mirror or something, I don’t know,” Serah suggested, albeit a little unsure of how Lightning should approach this. “She told me once that she doesn’t ‘sleep’ like you do, and she always knows everything that you do, so you could just—”

“Wait, what?” Lightning asked, her brows rising. “She’s still—?”

“You didn’t know?”

Lightning blinked, pausing for a moment as she thought. “I guess I had just thought that she blacked out the same as I did, but… but that was why I was so confused when you told me I was turning into her because I know that—“ Lightning cut herself off for a second before shaking her head. “It didn’t _feel_ the same as it did before, when she wasn’t a part of me. Everything I hate, everything that she is, it’s still… it’s _there,_ inside of me; all my selfishness, my fear, my—”

“Feelings for me?” Serah finished for her softly, feeling a slight pang in her chest. Lightning looked apologetic, but she didn’t confirm or deny it. She didn’t have to anyway; Serah knew well enough that it was something Lightning constantly fought against.

“So if she’s… if we’re _whole_ right now, why do I change?” Lightning asked her, seeming a little lost as she looked at her sister for all the answers. Unfortunately, Serah didn’t have them.

“I think that’s something you need to figure out for yourself,” Serah told her quietly, digging her toe into the carpet as she looked up at her. “My best theories though, are that you either have moments where you suddenly hate something you’ve done or something you’ve thought, and so you have this intense desire to just kill that part of you, or that you’re suppressing too many things and it’s all kind of… bursting out of you, so to speak.” She shrugged, exhaling a soft sigh as she admitted, “For all I know though, it could very well be both; or neither. That’s why I think…” Looking up, Serah finished, “I think you should really talk to Lumina.”

Lightning exhaled a long breath through her nose, looking at her sister during her moment’s silence until she relented finally with a soft, “Okay.”

Serah shot her a smile before coming over and lightly kissing her sister on the cheek. “Thank you,” she said, watching Lightning’s lashes gently flutter before she took a small step backwards. It made Serah’s heart sink in her chest, but she didn’t say anything.

First thing was first, and Lightning learning to accept herself was far, far more important than anything else at the moment.

**TBC…**


	6. VI

**VI.**

Lightning stared at her reflection in the mirror, half wondering that maybe if she only stared hard enough, she might be able to see Lumina looking back at her. She knew it was a ridiculous theory, yet Lightning continued to look at her reflection, wondering if Lumina could see her doing it. It was such a strange feeling, knowing you’re sharing your body with someone, even though that someone was nothing but a manifestation of the rejected parts of you. Technically, this body was just as much Lumina’s as it was hers, and yet there was something about it all that felt as though she was being violated by the girl’s presence.

“I never wanted you,” Lightning told her, feeling a little insane for talking to herself in this way. Still, she had promised Serah she would do it, and she might as well start somewhere. Her gaze flickered across the reflection of her own face for a moment before she let out a soft sigh, leaning against the vanity. “Although I guess you’d already know that, being a part of me and everything.”

Lightning paused for a moment before scoffing and turning away from the mirror. “This is ridiculous,” she muttered, feeling incredibly foolish. If Lumina was ‘awake’ right now, then she probably knew what she was thinking anyway; or at least she would remember thinking that way once she manifested again. Lightning rubbed her temples as she exhaled a long breath, slumping against the vanity. Trying to figure out what exactly was happening with her was giving her a headache, because truth be told, she really didn’t have the faintest clue of how this worked.

But she had to try, because she refused to be stuck like this for the rest of her life. She couldn’t work, she could barely even go _out_ anymore without fearing that Lumina was going to randomly manifest, and it was imperative that they kept her contained. Not only did Lightning not want anyone to know what was happening to her, but Lumina had a reputation for causing trouble wherever she went, and Lightning did _not_ want to be the one to clean up her messes.

So Lightning took a deep breath, tried to pretend that this entire situation wasn’t completely _insane,_ and turned back towards the mirror. She was silent for a long moment, just trying to think about the best way to approach this situation. In the end, she doubted that she would ever be able to truly accept those parts of her, but maybe she didn’t have to. Maybe, this didn’t have to be her decision at all. Maybe…

“Please,” Lightning implored, leaning over the vanity as she stared down at the wooden surface. “Just stop this; we can come to some sort of arrangement. Just tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you, so long as it’s within reason. There’s no reason why we both can’t find a way be happy.”

_Serah._

Lightning didn’t know if that was Lumina or just her own first thought as to what the girl would want, but the ex-soldier released a frustrated breath as she pushed off the vanity to stare hard at herself in the mirror. “I can’t. We can’t.” _Look at what we’ve done to her already. Her life is in shambles, and it’s our fault._ Her fault. _Your fault._

No, she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t keep blaming and hating Lumina for her actions; this was why this entire thing started in the first place. But Maker, it was hard not to. She had tried so hard to combat all of this, knowing full well that it would turn out horribly, and when it _did_ , Lightning couldn’t help but think it just furthered her point that she was right in all of this.

Yet she tried to compromise anyway. “Look, I won’t… I won’t pretend what I feel for her doesn’t exist anymore, okay? I’ll accept it, I’ll let us fantasize about her if you want but we can’t—we can’t take it any further than that. You must realize that, after everything, it was a stupid thing to do. We got our heart broken, and it screwed up Serah’s life.”

Lightning exhaled a hard breath then as she turned, shaking her head as she ran her hands over her face. “I must sound like a lunatic.” And it was because of that that Lightning was having a hard time taking this seriously; maybe she should have just taken Serah’s suggestion and written to Lumina instead, even if the girl would get the message either way.

In the end though, she probably wouldn’t get her thoughts out any better on paper than she would out loud. She wasn’t exactly verbose. Sighing softly, Lightning turned back to her reflection in the mirror, wishing that she could just get over this and like the person that was looking back at her. She was silent for a little while, contemplative as she thought of alternative tactics. It was then that she decided to address the other issues, as she doubted she would get anywhere when it came to their relationship with Serah; they’re opinions on it were just too different.

“You know there’s some good that comes from me,” Lightning tried, looking at herself in the mirror and trying not to feel foolish about it as she addressed the buried part of herself. “I can regulate our fear, and turn it into something that makes us stronger. I can keep us safe; I can keep _Serah_ safe, and if you’re—if you’re really _me,_ then you must understand how important that is. I can help you keep your emotions in check, so that we don’t completely destroy our relationships with the people we care about just because we’re angry or upset. I can hide what needs to be hidden, because it’s dangerous if everyone knows our weaknesses, Lumina.”

Biting the inside of her cheek, Lightning’s gaze connected with her reflection’s as she relented, knowing this had to be a two way street, “And I… _guess_ that maybe there’s some good that comes from you too. Maybe I hide too much, maybe I contain too much, and it makes us even unhappier. Maybe there _are_ times that I should say what I’m feeling, instead of bottling it all up and pretending it doesn’t exist. I don’t know; I don’t know if it’ll make things better, but we need to try. We need to find a middle ground to stand on, because we can’t live like this forever.”

Lightning half expected to hear some kind of reply inside of her own head, but was instantly glad that she didn’t, because somehow it would make this entire situation even more insane than it already was. Her wireless rang next to her however, and the loud sound in the silent room nearly made the woman jump. Scowling at herself for being a little off kilter today, Lightning grabbed it and put it up to her ear. “What?”

Not the most polite way to answer a call, but the person on the other end was used to it.

“You mind telling your damn sister to answer my calls?” came the irritated voice of Fang from the other end. “Because I got something that belongs to her passed out on my bloody porch, and call me crazy, but I’d like to know _why._ ”

“What?” Lightning asked, her expression coloring with confusion.

“Snow,” Fang answered, like that should have been obvious. “He popped off at me at the bar last night tellin’ me to stay the hell away from Serah, then this morning I find him ass up on my porch. You mind fillin’ me in? Cause she warned me this might happen, but I still don’t know why the hell my name got dragged into anything concerning _them._ I ain’t fucking the girl.”

“Hold on, did she tell him that she _was?_ ” Lightning questioned in disbelief, because that seemed like a ridiculous excuse for why Serah broke it off with him; saying she was sleeping with Fang might sound a lot better than saying she had been sleeping with _Lumina_ , but she must have figured that a lie of that magnitude would certainly come back to bite her in the ass. Their circle of friends was fairly tight-knit.

“Well I don’t bloody well know, do I, because she’s not answering my calls!”

Lightning exhaled a frustrated breath as she opened her bedroom door. “Hold on, I’ll get her.” 

She found her sister out in the living room, wrapped in a blanket and staring morosely at the television that was playing some sappy romantic movie that looked like it was ripping her to pieces instead of entertaining her. Lightning didn’t say a word as she stalked over and shut it off, which caused Serah to jerk out of her melancholy stupor and protest half-heartedly with, “Hey, I was watching that!”

“No, you were torturing yourself with that,” Lightning corrected, before holding out her wireless. “Fang wants to speak with you; apparently your ex-fiancée is currently passed out on her porch. Maybe you’d like to shed some light as to why?”

“ _What?_ ” Serah exclaimed, her eyes growing wide as she immediately reached for the wireless. Her face washed with an apologetic expression as she cradled the device between her shoulder and her ear, her hands pushing the blanket off of her body. “Fang… I am _so_ sorr— of _course_ I didn’t tell him that! I just told him… I mean, I told him that I realized I was gay and he just assumed—” Serah’s cheeks covered in a deep blush at whatever Fang had said on the other end of the line. “Great, thank you for putting money on that—” A pause, then a fierce shake of her head. “ _No!_ Definitely not—there’s no one, alright? I just… I don’t—please, I can’t talk about this right now. This is all still so…” She exhaled a sigh, apparently not knowing how to explain it as she ran her fingers through her tussled hair. “Look, I’ll be there in ten minutes, okay? I swear I’ll fix this.”

Serah paused for a moment, listening to whatever the woman had to say on the other end of the line before saying her goodbyes and hanging up with a groan, pressing her fists over her eyes as she slumped into the couch. Lightning, who hadn’t moved from her spot by the television, had her arms crossed over her chest as she stared at her sister. “You told him you were gay?”

“Well what _else_ was I supposed to tell him?” Serah countered, taking her hands away from her face and slamming them down on the couch before she sat up again. Taking a shuddered inhale of breath, Serah rose from her seat and crossed the room to get her coat. “Maker, I don’t—I can’t deal with this right now. I’m still so— why the hell did he have to…?”

“Why did he think you were sleeping with Fang anyway?” Lightning asked, still failing to see the connection. Fang and Serah barely hung out; it didn’t make sense to her. And yet even still, just the mere possibility of it, no matter how unfathomable it was, made an irrational jealousy burn hot in the pit of her stomach.

“I don’t know, maybe because her picture is right next to the definition of the word ‘lesbian’ in the dictionary?” Serah snapped back, looking frustrated, helpless, and upset. “This is so stupid, why did he have to involve her? Why couldn’t he have just left it alone?”

“He’s in love with you, Serah,” Lightning told her, tone soft and apologetic. Part of her knew she should just stay quiet, at least by the look on her sister’s face, and yet the words spilled from her lips anyway. “He’s having a hard time letting go… and can you blame him? He thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with you.”

“Thanks. _Thanks,_ Claire,” Serah shot back, her eyes beginning to water as she forcefully opened the front door, furious that her sister felt the need to bring that up right then. “Because I don’t feel bad enough already. Thanks for being the bringer of harsh realities; you’ve always been good at that, haven’t you?” And then she was out the door, the slam echoing in her wake and making Lightning bite the inside of her cheek in guilt, her stomach sinking a little lower in the pit of her abdomen.

She should have just stayed quiet.

Obviously Serah was already painfully aware of who her actions had hurt, and what they had destroyed. It was tearing her up inside enough already, and reminding her over and over again was doing nothing but furthering her sister’s pain. And yes, perhaps that pain was deserved, but that didn’t mean Lightning had to make it worse. 

All her life, all she wanted to do was protect Serah from the harsh realities of the world; she wanted her sister to always be happy, to feel safe, and to feel loved, no matter how unrealistic a goal that might be. Humans were innately driven by their emotions, and thus were cursed to feel their sting every now and again. Even still, that didn’t mean Lightning had to be the cause of it; she didn’t even have to accept it. 

Long ago, Lightning had sworn to herself that if she could help it, she’d never let the smile fade from Serah’s face. Now she felt terrible for breaking that promise, as even if she couldn’t protect her sister from everything, she should at least be able to shield her from it as best as she could; not become the very dagger that sought to pierce her heart. That was neither who she was, nor who she wanted to be.

Lightning laid flat on her back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling as she let out a long sigh. She didn’t want to feel hurt anymore by Serah’s betrayal, as it only brought her sister more pain which right then, was probably the last thing she needed. And so Lightning tried to rationalize what had happened, tried to tell herself that it couldn’t possibly have been a betrayal, as Serah was bedding just another part of herself. Yet no matter how many times she told herself that, it didn’t make her feel any better; if anything, it only furthered the kind of thoughts that she absolutely hated about herself.

Because if this had to happen, if Serah’s life had to be reduced to shambles and her heart filled with pain, then it should have been because she had slept with _her._ Instead this was all Lumina’s doing, who’s memories Lightning did not share, and Maker, she _despised_ that. As disgustingly selfish as it was, that mere fact was the reason none of this was even worth it. 

And now, Lightning was left to pick up the pieces of the best, yet worst decision she could have ever made, and didn’t even get to experience the high before the crash.

“If I accept you, will I remember?” Lightning breathed out into the silence of the room, wishing she didn’t hate herself for even asking that question. Yet perhaps it would be the closest she would ever come, and a part of her ached for even the smallest of allowances. “Will I remember how she looked, how she felt? If I give you a whole life, a _real_ life… will you give me that?”

Lightning may fear touching Serah, but if she could do so inside of her own memories, if she could touch and taste and love and devour every time she closed her eyes, perhaps then it would make living with her affliction more bearable. So much of her inability to accept her own desires was the fact that she feared her own need to make it a reality, but if she just had the memory of it, if she could just _know_ what it was like to truly have her, perhaps that would sate her enough that she wouldn’t have to fear doing it again. Maybe then, if it no longer felt like a danger, she could finally accept that part of her, and learn to live with it.

Lightning felt herself becoming so consumed with the idea of having those memories, that suddenly it was like they were the only things that mattered. She might hate that Serah had slept with Lumina instead of herself, but if Lightning was given those moments then she would be seeing it from _her_ eyes, and in a way, it would feel as though she had truly experienced it herself. 

And Maker, all she wanted for so long was to see her sister at her most vulnerable; for Serah to look up at her with her wide, innocent eyes, and see all the love she held being reflected back towards her. All Lightning wanted was to show her how much she meant to her; how much she adored her, how much she _mattered._ She wanted to see the look on Serah’s face when she _knew,_ when she finally knew that Lightning would gladly spend the rest of her life making love to her – never eating, never sleeping, barely even _breathing_ – if only it would make her understand that nothing else had ever mattered besides her. Serah was everything; her joy, her pleasure, her happiness… it was everything.

Which suddenly made Lightning fear that Lumina hasn’t properly expressed that at all. If they had one chance, if _she_ had one chance, then making Serah feel loved should have been prioritized above her own orgasms; but with how selfish Lumina was, there was the very real chance that it hadn’t been. What if in the end, their time together had been about nothing more than their craving for human touch? 

To Lightning, sex without emotion was both meaningless and foolish, proving over the years to be nothing but an unwarranted distraction. The whole point of it should be to show someone how much they mean to you, not to get yourself off; that was what masturbation was for. So why bring in another person, why allow them to have the most intimate parts of you, if it’s about nothing more than an orgasm? They can’t achieve anything more than one’s own hand, so didn’t it just stand to reason that they were there for another reason entirely? Of course for some it could merely be procreation, but for people like them… for she and Serah, shouldn’t it be about their love for one another? Shouldn’t _that_ be the most important aspect of their coupling, with orgasms merely becoming background?

But did Lumina understand that? Did she feel the same way and provide for their sister more than what Serah could have easily achieved on her own? Because if not, then the memories would be useless; they would sate nothing, and no doubt further the rift between herself and Lumina. If the girl had one chance and ruined it… forgiving her, forgiving _herself_ would perhaps be even harder than ever.

“Stop, _stop,_ ” Lightning hissed at herself, fisting her hands and placing them over her eyes. _Stop obsessing over the sex you’ll never get to have; stop agonizing over the feelings you’ll never get to express. You should be focusing on a way to make Serah happy, to help her pick up the shattered pieces of her life, because she is all that matters. You come second; you will always come second._

But in the end, there would always be a part of herself that didn’t agree with that; and as Lightning’s world began to fade away, the darkness served as yet another reminder as to why it was important that she finally be able find a balance.

[x]

When Lightning awoke she was still on the couch, yet the world outside her living room windows was dark and Serah was sitting next to her, wrapped in a blanket with the TV on quietly in the background. “Hi,” she greeted softly, tightening her hold on the fabric wrapped around her. Lightning blinked, trying to make sense of her surroundings for a moment as she sat up, running a hand through her tussled hair.

“How long?” she asked, knowing Serah would understand her question without having to elaborate. Serah just shrugged though, looking a little apologetic that she couldn’t give her an accurate time table.

“I don’t know. I was gone for a while and when I got back she was here; it’s been a few hours since then.”

Lightning exhaled a hard sigh as she shifted in her seat, placing her back against the cushions. Now that she was trying to understand what was happening to her, she realized why it was that she turned. Maybe each time had been for different reasons, all of them most likely stemming from her own inability to accept some part of herself, but this time it had been the very clear rejection of her own selfishness. 

Lightning had always believed putting Serah above herself at all costs was the right thing to do, the right way to show someone that you loved them, but in the end, perhaps it wasn’t the healthiest of mindsets. Of course recognizing that didn’t automatically mean that things would change, but perhaps she was at least on the right track; it was the one good thing that had come from losing another few hours of her life, so Lightning chose to focus on that instead of being angry with herself that she had allowed it to happen again. At this point, Lumina was probably inevitable anyway.

“How did it go with Snow?” Lightning asked, still habitually putting her sister’s life first, but Serah just shook her head in response, shutting her down.

“We’ll talk about that later,” Serah promised, before leaning down and grabbing something from the shelf underneath the coffee table. “But for now, I… I promised Lumina I’d do something. She said it was important.”

Lightning’s brow knitted as Serah handed her an envelope, before she realized what must be inside of it; Lumina’s response. She took it into her hands and looked down at it, seeing her name printed on the front in her own handwriting. Lightning swallowed, not having the first clue as to how this was going to go or how Lumina had taken everything that she had said to her. “Did you read it?” she asked softly, her gaze connecting with her sister’s.

Serah shook her head. “No. It’s not any of my business.”

Lightning disagreed with that, since most of her issues stemmed from the woman sitting across from her, but was thankful that Serah hadn’t, regardless. This really was deeply personal. “Thank you,” Lightning murmured, before shifting to rise from the couch, intent on reading it on her room. But before she could get up, Serah clasped her hand around her wrist.

“Wait.”

Lightning paused, looking at her curiously.

Emotion flickered across Serah’s face then, and she paused for a moment herself, perhaps unsure about how her sister was going to react to her next words. And yet she said them regardless, her gaze boring into Lightning’s as she told her with an abundance of passion and complete certainty, “You _matter,_ Light.”

“What...?” Lightning asked, feeling her heart compress in her chest at her sister’s unexpected words. But then she immediately became defensive, ripping her hand out of Serah’s grasp. “You said you didn’t read it.”

“I didn’t!” Serah assured her, needing Lightning to believe that she wouldn’t lie to her; at least, not anymore. “But Lumina said you would only believe that if you heard it from me, and—”

“So it means nothing,” Lightning countered, furious that Lumina involved Serah in this when she wasn’t ready to. Her sister didn’t need to know right now that she was having trouble treating herself like an actual human being, and not just a slave to Serah’s pursuit of happiness. “You’re just repeating what she wants you to; that makes it lose its meaning, even if it’s true. Lumina was stupid if she thought this would help.”

She got up from the couch in a huff then, but Serah refused to let her go, as this clearly wasn’t how she was intending things to turn out. “No, Light, please don’t— _Claire Farron, don’t you dare walk away from me right now!_ ”

The demand in her sister’s tone actually caused Lightning to stop after she had shoved the letter into her back pocket, and as she turned to look at her sister, her expression coloring in shock, irritation, and a little offense, the girl rose from the couch and crossed the distance between them. 

“Don’t you ever tell me that something I feel that strongly about means nothing,” Serah continued, pushing Lightning’s shoulder a little roughly, her gaze fierce and penetrating as she stared her down. “You _do_ matter, and the fact that you think you don’t, it… it _breaks my heart_ , Claire. How can you think so low of yourself? Do you even understand what you mean to me, to everyone, to the entire _world_ right now?”

“I _don’t_ think low of myself,” Lightning countered, looking at Serah a little strangely. This was ridiculous; everything was getting so twisted. Not loving herself enough, or believing that her life didn’t touch others – whatever it was that Serah thought right then – wasn’t the actual problem here. “My self-esteem is fine, thank you. What the hell did she even _tell_ you?”

“She just told me that you thought you ‘didn’t matter’, and that I was the only one who’d be able to convince you that you did,” Serah told her, starting to look confused and very emotional in her desperation to understand. “So if she didn’t mean that you thought of yourself as not having an impact on anyone, then what _did_ she mean?”

Lightning sighed heavily, shaking her head as she turned away. “Believe me, this really doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. Besides, all of this is between Lumina and myself—”

“ _Lightning,_ ” Serah demanded, grasping ahold of her wrist again to make her stop before pulling her sister back to look at her. “If Lumina didn’t think it was important that I knew, then she wouldn’t have told me. So explain to me, _right now,_ what it is that I have to know.”

Lightning bit the inside of her cheek as she side-glanced her sister. She didn’t particularly want to have this conversation but she knew Serah, and she knew if she kept shutting her down, it would only make the girl more relentless. “I put myself second,” Lightning responded finally, her voice flat and emotionless. “That’s it; that’s all this is about.”

“Second to what?” Serah asked, but off of Lightning’s disbelieving look she realized, and her voice got softer as she questioned, “Second to me?” When her sister didn’t answer her, Serah tried to rationalize it, tried to make sense of it, tried to make it sound better than it actually was. “Lightning, that’s not… that’s not _bad_ or anything. Sometimes I put you before—”

“No,” Lightning interrupted. “Not ‘sometimes’, Serah. Always. And believe me, I know there’s something wrong with that; I know that I should take a second out of my day and actually care about what _I_ want, what _I_ need, but I’m… I’m the closest thing you’ve got to a mother. Every child needs that kind of selfless devotion; needs someone to care for them, to protect them, no matter the costs. I accepted that a long time ago, and even though you’re not a child anymore, I don’t…”

_I don’t know how to shut it off. I can’t. I became Lightning for you, and I don’t know how to adapt to the fact that you don’t need me as much as you used to._

Lightning struggled with the admittance, but in the end it didn’t matter, for her words were halted anyhow. A conflicted expression of thankfulness, love, and absolute disbelief crossed over Serah’s face before she grasped for her, warm palms cupping her sister’s cheeks as she once again took advantage of a secret she should have never known, and allowed her lips to meet hers. It was only brief, but it made Lightning’s stomach twist in the pit of her abdomen as her sister pulled back, still keeping her grasp firm as she searched her eyes.

“I know what you sacrificed for me,” Serah told her, voice barely above a whisper due to their close proximity. The feelings it evoked made Lightning want to run, and yet her feet refused to move. “I _know_ what you gave up for me, Claire, and I will forever be grateful for that. But you’re right; I’m not a child anymore. You need to live for yourself because if you don’t, all you’re going to have left at the end of your life is a list of regrets. I don’t want that for you; you deserve to be happy too.”

Serah’s expression was filled with so much loving care that it made it hard to breathe. She delicately tucked a loose strand of hair behind Lightning’s ear, a gentle smile peeking out as she tried to encourage her sister to listen to her. “You _matter_ too…” she whispered, searching her eyes for a moment to see if what she said had registered. And it had, but it was just background noise in comparison to how hard Lightning’s heart was beating in her chest. 

_Live for yourself._ There truly was nothing more that she ached to do, but—

Serah seemed to finally realize that she was still very much pushing boundaries that Lightning hadn’t expressed being comfortable with yet, and she blushed as she took her hands off of her and stepped back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—but I just… I wanted you to know that—”

…But _what?_

For the first time in what seemed like forever, Lightning completely shut down all rational thought and just allowed herself to take what it was that she desired; what it was that would make her happy, if only for a moment. Her hand found Serah’s, tangling their fingers together as she quickly guided them up and over their heads as she encouraged her back against the wall. The unexpected shift in the air between them caused a soft gasp of surprise to escape the back of Serah’s throat as her back hit something solid, and Lightning devoured the sound with her tongue as she allowed herself to forget, even for just a second, why all of this was such a terrible idea. 

It took Serah a moment to respond to it, the shock from the unexpected kiss causing her to lose her breath for a moment, but when she realized it was really happening, she threw herself entirely into it. Lightning could taste her sister’s desperation on her lips; desperation for this to be real, for this to be an acceptance of their shared love for one another, and not some momentary lapse of judgment. Her fingers tightened in Lightning’s grasp, her other hand fisting in a mess of rose colored hair as she pressed herself into her, kissing her like she feared this would be the very last time that she would ever be able to do so. 

She wasn’t the only one though. Lightning wished she could promise her forever, but the fact of the matter was, she was still stuck in between this place of accepting who she really was, and fearing the repercussions of fully doing so. So instead she kissed her sister with all the passion, all the love that resided in her heart, hoping that for now, it would at least allow Serah a semblance of comfort that she really wasn’t the only one who felt this way. Even if this was all that would come from their love for one another, Lightning wanted her to know that, and she wanted for _herself_ the memory that would come along with it.

Serah’s breathing was starting to labor as the intensity of the kiss grew, and her hands were beginning to grasp every part of her that they could. Lightning could feel her everywhere, and it caused a soft groan to escape her lips as Serah’s hand finally settled on her right breast. Her cheeks flushing, Lightning found that her sister wasn’t the only one having trouble breathing regularly as Serah’s fingers lifted the hem of her shirt, her short nails tracing patterns up her skin as she brought the fabric along with her. But Lightning closed her eyes and tore her lips from hers, resting her forehead against her sister’s as she grasped Serah’s wrist in her hand, halting her movements.

The only sound in the room was their labored breathing, and yet Lightning could practically hear her sister’s fear; her fear that this was over just as soon as it began, her fear that this really was just nothing but a lapse in judgment, despite how much they both knew what they meant to one another. It made Lightning swallow hard, trying to find the words to explain her actions, and yet finding that really she had none at all.

“Did you make love to her?”

The question was uttered seemingly out of nowhere, Lightning’s voice scratchy and low, and it caused Serah’s brow to crinkle in confusion. “What…?”

“Lumina,” Lightning breathed, still unable to open her eyes, to move away from her, to break this brief connection that they had. “Did you make love to her?” All of a sudden, it seemed imperative to know if she would be given such a memory.

“I…” Serah began, soft and confused as she idly picked at the hem of her sister’s shirt. She swallowed, looking down at their feet. “Once,” she admitted quietly, the word barely above a whisper. Serah sounded almost afraid to admit that, like she was unsure what answer her sister was looking for.

And Lightning thought she would be relieved to hear that, but the feeling conflicted quite harshly with yet another bout of irrational jealousy that she didn’t know how to squash. It didn’t make sense, to be jealous of herself, and yet she was; she didn’t know how to stop it. But she was glad that Serah had told her the truth at least, and she pursed her lips as she took a step back from her and nodded. “Okay.”

Serah’s brow creased even further at that answer, and she repeated disbelievingly, “Okay…?”

“Okay,” Lightning repeated, not wanting to go into it any more than that, because she needed to work out how exactly she felt about it first. She shook her head, trying to clear it as she ran her fingers through her hair, backing up another full step. “I should… I need to read this letter. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Serah still looked immensely perplexed by the chain of events and the question that followed thereafter, but she didn’t argue, at least sensing the conflict within her sister and realizing that Lightning was the only one who would be able to make sense of it. And so with what looked like great difficultly, Serah just let her go, all of her questions left unanswered as Lightning walked into her room and closed the door behind her.

Lightning’s back hit the wood as she exhaled a hard breath, closing her eyes as she pulled the letter out of her back pocket. What she had just done was terribly stupid, but at the same time, a part of her was glad that she had. If nothing else, it was a memory of kissing Serah that wasn’t tainted by anger and cruelty, and one that was entirely her own. It was something that she wanted, and so she took it; just once, just for herself. Maybe it would not only sate her, but Lumina as well.

But as Lightning unfolded the piece of paper that was hidden inside the envelope, she quickly realized that Lumina wasn’t so easily satisfied. Lightning bit the inside of her cheek as her eyes scanned the letter, taking in each word that was written in her own penmanship. It was short, to the point, and even a little rude, although to be completely honest, Lightning didn’t really expect much else.

_You’re stupid if you think any of this even matters,_ Lumina wrote. _We know how to live with each other; we’ve done it before. It was a really long time ago, but maybe we can figure it out again. What’s the point though? You know it doesn’t matter, because we weren’t whole then either. We’ve never been whole; all we’ve been is lonely and sad and lost and you know why; you_ know _why! So stop being an idiot, stop pretending this is more complicated than it is, because you know what will make us whole. You either want that or you don’t; so why don’t you do me a favor and pick a side before you bother me with your pointless questions again._

The letter crumbled in Lightning’s fist before she threw it to the ground, biting the inside of her cheek as she shook her head in protest. Of course she knew what Lumina was talking about, but she refused to believe that _love_ would finally be the thing that made her feel whole; it was just so ridiculously poetic, and sounded like nothing more than a pretty story meant to make children believe in the unattainable. There was more to life than that, there was more to _her_ than that, but at the same time, it made her wonder if she would still feel this emptiness inside of her even once they became ‘Claire’ again; because Lumina was right, they had almost always felt this way. They had always felt like something was missing.

Maybe that something was Serah.

Regardless, no matter how much Lumina wanted to simplify it, there were far more important things that needed to be addressed. And maybe, maybe if they finally learned to live with one another, maybe if they finally learned how love themselves, it might take the complication and confusion out of it all. And then, if there truly was still a hole inside of her that ached to be filled, perhaps Lightning would finally consider Lumina’s words. But other things had to come first, and until that happened, Lightning didn’t want to embark on what could easily be either the best thing to ever happen in her life, or the very worst. Everything was just too fragile right now.

**TBC...**


	7. VII

**VII.**

Eventually, Lumina started manifesting less and less. When once it had been a daily occurrence, it was now down to only once or twice a week, with her appearance only lasting a few short hours. Serah was glad, of course, that Lightning seemed to be working on the issues that had caused the girl’s appearance in the first place, but there was still a part of her that missed having Lumina around all the time. She had grown used to her presence over the past couple months, and it was strange to realize that soon, she would most likely be without her entirely.

Although in the end, Serah supposed that wasn’t really true. The more Lightning began to embrace the parts of herself that she once deemed to either be terrible or completely useless, the more Serah began to see Lumina in the little things that she did. Lightning seemed to be a bit more free spirited on occasion now, no longer feeling the need to be constantly stoic and responsible; she laughed a lot more, which Serah loved more than anything because it just… it lit up her entire face, and for a brief moment, it looked as though her sister didn’t have the weight of the entire world resting on her shoulders. 

But while she was opening herself up to the more positive aspects of Lumina’s personality, the negative was seeping into her as well. Lightning had always had an immense amount of control over her anger, never expressing it outside of glares and snide remarks unless she deemed it useful to do so. But just last week the coffee maker got the brunt of her fury when it blew a fuse, causing Lightning to throw it clear across the kitchen and into the wall when she couldn’t figure out how to make it work again. 

Granted, Lightning had never been the cheeriest of people until her morning cup of coffee anyway.

Still, her actions were quickly followed with a hasty apology for not only her temper, but the slew of swears that had preceded her little mishap, but Serah just waved her off and told her not to worry about it. She could see Lightning was frustrated with herself for even allowing something so small to bother her, and Serah was afraid that if her sister believed something as stupid as being angry over a coffee maker was a problem, she would start to regress. At the end of the day, all Lightning really needed was to find a balance, and that was a process that was going to take some time.

The biggest change that Serah noticed however, was the increase of physical contact between them. Lightning used to barely touch her, but now light brushes of fingers against skin seemed to become the norm, whether it was just a comforting hand on her shoulder or a desire to keep Serah’s bangs from falling in front of her eyes. She even allowed Serah to lay her head on her lap during a movie marathon once, and the younger woman found she didn’t care much about what was happening on the television screen after that; Lightning idly playing with her hair or running her hand up and down her arm made everything else just fade into the background, and Serah ended up spending the remainder of the hour smiling so much that her cheeks began to hurt.

They never talked about the kiss they shared before she had read Lumina’s letter, nor did they speak about the few that had happened since then. They had been impromptu, spur of the moment things brought on by circumstances like a lack of personal space or an abundance of alcohol. The latter happened last night, after Lightning decided that she felt confident enough to at least go out for a couple hours with Fang. The huntress had been relentlessly hounding her for a night out on the town, saying that Lightning was going to go mental if she continued to hold herself up in her own house like a dying old woman, and so Serah encouraged her sister to just try to go out and have some fun. Of course Fang got her completely hammered, and when Lightning stumbled into the house at one in the morning, the first thing she did was mount Serah on the couch and kiss her like it was her last night on this earth. 

It ended too quickly though; they always did. Lightning ended up pulling away, her breathing slightly ragged as she apologized with a murmured, “I’m sorry, I— I shouldn’t have done that.”

To which Serah had only countered softly with, “Because you’re my sister… or because you’re drunk?”

Lightning didn’t answer her, but Serah was beginning to get used to that. Her sister was obviously conflicted about what she felt, and she tried not to get her hopes up that perhaps she was beginning to warm up to the idea of the two of them possibly having something real, but in all honesty, it was difficult not to. It was all Serah ached for, and now that the drama with Snow had died down, and the sting of losing him wasn’t quite as harsh as it used to be, Serah wanted nothing more than for Lightning to take her in her arms and realize that they could have something really beautiful, if only she would allow it.

Serah was trying to be patient with her, but some moments were harder than others. After Lightning had fled into her bedroom after their last kiss, Serah stood outside of her room for a long while, just trying to gather up the strength to knock. She wanted to talk about what was going on between them, but she was also terrified that if she did, it would only end up scaring Lightning and pushing her further away. And in the end it was a terrible idea anyway, to stand there for so long, because after a while Serah began to hear the unmistakable sounds of Lightning releasing her tension in… _other_ ways.

Serah was ashamed to admit even to herself that she stood outside her sister’s door for the entirety of it, as something like that was completely invasive to Lightning’s privacy, and yet in that moment, she couldn’t seem to tear herself away. At least she refrained from touching herself during it, as that would’ve made the entire situation even creepier, but in the end that restraint didn’t last very long once she made it into her bed later that night, the vivid memory of her sister’s moans playing inside of her head on relentless repeat.

Not understanding where they stood with each other was driving her mental, but what could she do? Lightning knew where she stood, so at the end of the day, it was her decision whether or not they moved forward.

“Hey, Light?” Serah asked a little self-consciously after she had knocked softly on the bedroom door and opened it a crack. Lightning made some unintelligible sound in return, and Serah opened the door a little wider to see her sister lying face down on her bed. She felt a little bit awkward about what had happened last night – not the kiss, but the events thereafter that hopefully her sister didn’t even know happened – but she was trying to keep things as normal as possible, for both of their sake’s. “Do you want some breakfast?”

Lightning’s words were muffled by her pillow. “I feel like I got trampled by a behemoth.”

Serah tried to hide her smirk at her sister’s obvious hangover; Lightning had never dealt well with liquor come the next morning, as she had a tendency to mix what she drank. “So is that a no?” Lightning just grunted in response, and Serah giggled softly, leaning against the wall as she crossed her arms over her chest.

“Do you need anything? Water, maybe?”

“You know what I’d really appreciate?” Lightning asked, her voice scratchy as she rolled on her back and ran her hand over her eyes in grumpy protest to the world around her. “If you could find a way to turn off the damn sun.”

Serah snorted in amusement as she made her way over to her sister’s bedroom window, closing the curtains and delving the room in semi-darkness. “Better?” Lightning just murmured something unintelligible in response and turned on her side. Serah gave her a soft, sympathetic smile as she sat next to her on the bed, gently running her fingers through Lightning’s hair.

Silence washed between the two women for a moment, giving Serah far too much time to just stare at her older sister. She flushed a deep red when her gaze settled on Lightning’s hand that was resting delicately against the mattress, remembering in vivid clarity what she had heard last night. Thankfully the other woman was facing towards the wall and didn’t see her change of color, but then she spoke, startling Serah out of her thought process so abruptly that it nearly made her jump.

“How have I not learned by now to not go out with Fang…?” 

Serah chuckled, continuing to thread her fingers gently through her hair. “I think the problem isn’t so much Fang as it is you insisting on mixing beer and liquor in the same night.”

“Mm,” Lightning acknowledged a little disgruntledly, before rolling over on her back and looking up at her sister. Serah pulled her hand away, and Lightning’s gaze flickered to it momentarily before catching the other woman’s eyes once more. “I’m sorry, Serah,” she murmured, guilt crossing over her face, “for what happened last night…”

“Don’t,” Serah softly protested, not wanting to hear it. “Light, please don’t—”

“I’m sorry,” Lightning repeated, apparently needing to get this out despite her sister’s protests, “for kissing you… when I was drunk.” Surprise etched into Serah’s expression, and Lightning continued quietly, “You don’t deserve that kind of reckless indecision.”

Serah released a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding before she pursed her lips, looking down at her as her brow creased in emotion. She was silent for a moment before she scooted down on the bed, resting on her side as she looked her sister in the eyes. “Are we ever going to talk about it?” she asked quietly, tentative as she ventured into a subject she wasn’t sure would garner positive results. “What you… feel for me? What you want?”

Lightning raised an eyebrow at her. “You really want to talk about this now; when I’m hung over? My head is pounding, Ser.”

“No. Yes. I don’t know,” Serah sighed, bringing her arm up to rest her head against it as she looked at the woman just mere inches across from her. “I just want to know what you’re thinking. You seem so… conflicted.” Serah paused for a moment, chewing on her bottom lip before she shook her head and went to sit up. “Never mind, I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have– let me just get you some medicine—”

But Lightning snatched her wrist, stilling her movements before gently pulling her back to lie next to her. “I’ll survive,” she told her, voice low as she kept her hold on her. Serah felt herself holding her breath as she settled back into bed, wondering if Lightning was finally going to talk about what was going on, but instead her sister asked, “How’s Snow?”

Serah’s brow creased, not expecting that question. “I… don’t really know,” she answered honestly. “We haven’t spoken in awhile.” She paused, her gaze flickering across her sister’s face before she asked, “Why? Are you asking if I’m regretting my decision to leave him?”

“Are you?”

“Regret’s a complicated thing,” Serah whispered, untangling her wrist from Lightning’s hand, only to hold it in her own and bring it up to her chest, over her heart. She was half afraid her sister would move it, but Lightning kept still and just looked at her, waiting to elaborate. “I regret hurting him,” Serah told her softly. “I regret hurting you. I regret lying. I regret that I’ve… I’ve ended up alone; but no, I don’t regret leaving him. He deserved so much better than me, and in this situation, that’s probably the only thing that should really matter.”

“Maybe,” Lightning agreed, her voice barely above a whisper as she gently brushed a strand of hair away from her sister’s eyes. “But I still want to know if you’re going to be alright.”

“Time heals all wounds, right?” Serah responded with a sad smile. “That’s what they say, anyway. Eventually it has to hurt less. I’ll be okay.”

Lightning was silent for a long moment, just looking her sister in the eyes until finally her gaze dropped, focusing on their clasped hands. “I was jealous of him, you know,” she admitted, although still sounded resigned to even utter the words. Serah chuckled, gently squeezing the hand that was in her own.

“I know.”

Lightning released a long breath, her shoulder’s sagging a little. “I don’t know what I want, Serah,” she breathed, the admission sounding hard for her to utter. “I used to have every reason in the world not to touch you, but it’s like… quicksand. I think we might have sunk too deep, and maybe it’s inevitable at this point that we’re going to suffocate in it.”

“…That’s probably the most depressing way you could have put it.”

Lightning sighed, untangling her fingers from Serah’s as she shrugged helplessly. “Well what do you want me to say? You can’t possibly believe that this kind of relationship is healthy, Serah. We’ll have to live in secrecy, in constant fear that other people are going to find out how we really feel about one another; about what we _do_ behind closed doors. We could be perfectly happy with one another, but eventually the shame of our dirty little secret is going to tear us apart.”

Serah shook her head. “You don’t know that—”

“We’ll never have a normal life,” Lightning continued, apparently needing her to realize what kind of repercussions this might bring. But Serah already knew; it was all she had thought about for years. There was nothing Lightning could tell her that she hadn’t already considered and decided was worth it. “You’ll never be able to have kids—”

“I don’t need to have children,” Serah interrupted, but Lightning just looked at her like she was lying; to her, to herself.

“You’ve always wanted kids.”

“So? Sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way you expect it to,” Serah reminded her. “When I was younger I never thought I’d be a teacher, and yet I love it more than anything. And yes maybe I would have loved being a princess just as much—” Lightning snorted in amusement. “—but I’m happy with my alternative. And even if I wasn’t, you need to realize something…” Her hand cupped her sister’s cheek, and Serah looked her straight in the eyes as she allowed her thumb to gently dusk Lightning’s bottom lip. “You were _never_ my alternative, Claire; you have been, and will always be, my first choice in this world. You’re all I hear, you’re all I _see…_ everything else, everyone else? They’re just white noise in a colorless background.”

Lightning inhaled a shuddered breath, almost looking as though that sentiment was too much for her as she turned her head, forcing Serah to drop her hand. “You make it so _difficult—_ ” she began, but Serah wouldn’t let her finish.

“Good,” she interrupted, placing her fingers gently against her sister’s cheek and guiding Lightning back to meet her gaze. “I _want_ to make it difficult for you. If you’re going to deny me, then I want you to know exactly what it is you’re throwing away. I want you to know that I only feel like half a person when you’re not around; like you’re the other part of my soul and without you there’s this emptiness inside of me that I can never quite fill. I want you to know that ever since I outgrew needing comfort over ‘nightmares’ that I’ve dreaded sleeping, because the only time I’ve ever slept soundly was when I was in your arms. I want you to know that ‘love’ is such a small, meaningless word compared to what it is that I feel for you, for what it is that resides in my heart transcends useless things like description and sentiment. I want you to know…”

Serah leaned in then, gently allowing her lips to trace the curvature of her sister’s jaw, upwards until they rested against the shell of her ear. “I want you to know,” she breathed, her tone dropping to a more seductive level, “that I touch myself to the thought of kneeling between your thighs, making love to you with my mouth until I can feel your pleasure dripping down my chin, my neck, my breasts… I want to feel its warmth and I want to smell your need as you shake and you scream, as you fist my hair and buck your hips and beg me not to stop…”

Lightning noticeably shuddered at her words, and she turned her head to gently press her forehead against her sister’s cheek as she pleaded breathlessly, “Serah…” her fingers wrapping tightly around the fabric of the smaller woman’s blouse as she firmly pressed her thighs together.

Serah didn’t know if her sister was begging her to stop or to continue, but there was a strong possibility that Lightning didn’t know either. And so Serah exhaled a ragged breath, feeling herself begin to heat up from her own words, her own fantasy, and her sister’s close proximity as she begged shamelessly in her ear, “Say my name again…”

“ _Serah,_ ” Lightning breathed without hesitation, twisting her fist in her sister’s shirt before she roughly pulled their bodies together, leaving just a mere sliver of air between their lips as she decorated Serah’s skin with her uneven breaths. But it was there that they stayed, just hanging in this balance between agony and oblivion as the weight of this decision barreled down on them. 

It was the longest few seconds of Serah’s life, and as she awaited the outcome of her declaration, she found she couldn’t breathe. This would either be the best decision she had ever made, or one of the worst; and she found it was that uncertainty that frightened her more than anything else in this world.

[x]

Lightning had never known agony like this; everything within her raged and conflicted as she fought to differentiate between what she wanted, and what was the right thing to do. The more Serah spoke, the more romantic declarations she made, it all began to blur before her eyes, making it nearly impossible to tell one from the other anymore. And then she had to go and say _that,_ bringing so much more into this than love, partnership, and family. A part of Lightning had always hated sex because it acted like a drug; its highs rushing you into irrational decisions and reckless actions and yet, in that moment, Lightning wanted nothing more than to immerse herself in it and allow it to take hold of her. Her body temperature had spiked, her breathing had shallowed, and suddenly the repercussions of her hangover seemed to fade into the background as a burning fire raged through her veins.

It wasn’t fair. Serah knew exactly what this would do to her, and Maker, _it wasn’t fair._

But in the end, could this have ever happened any other way, or would Lightning have forever been trapped in an endless cycle of desire and indecision as she tried to rationalize her way around it? Perhaps Serah knew her too well, perhaps she knew that she would need this kind of push, and was simply tired of waiting for an alternative that would most likely never come.

Lightning’s head felt foggy, and she found she could do nothing else but hold onto her sister and try to find some sense wrapped up in this beautiful madness. “I’ve been starting to remember,” she breathed softly, not really understanding what compelled her to speak just then, or what it would even accomplish, yet allowing it all the same. “Bits and pieces, of what you did with… _her._ ”

Serah held her breath, suddenly looking fearful of the outcome of all of this. But Lightning wasn’t angry, she wasn’t hurt; in the end, all it brought her was an endless frustration that she ached to be rid of. “I begged her once for those memories,” Lightning admitted, her words tracing light patterns against the skin of her sister’s cheek. “I thought it would sate me, to know what it was like. But it didn’t. I can close my eyes now…” Lightning gave into the urge and lightly nipped at her sister’s bottom lip, causing Serah to whimper softly as she pressed into her, “and _see_ every inch of you. I can hear you moan and see you writhe beneath a body that was once mine, but it’s no better than a movie playing inside my own head. It’s an image, not an experience.”

“Then experience it,” Serah begged, desperation in her voice as she reached down, tangling her fingers in Lightning’s own before guiding her hand up the expanse of her bare thigh. “Have it become so much more than an image,” she breathed against her lips, the passion in her voice causing a shiver to roll down Lightning’s spine as all of her hairs stood on her end. Their linked hands suddenly became lost beneath her sister’s skirt, and Lightning had to close her eyes and stifle a groan as her fingers brushed against dampened panties.

“Touch me,” Serah pleaded, her breathing ragged as she shifted and rested her leg against her sister’s hip, allowing her thighs to spread in open invitation. “Taste me. Make a memory that’s entirely your own.” She closed the distance then, allowing Lightning only one, slow open-mouthed kiss that left them resting breathless against each other’s lips as they found themselves growing impossibly closer. 

“I love you, Claire,” Serah whispered against her lips, the words feeling like they were resonating deep in Lightning’s soul. “Make love to me.” She untangled her hand from her sister’s, only to place it gently upon her cheek as she implored breathlessly, “Please, let me belong to you; allow me to feel whole again, _please_ … Please, Claire; I need you, please…”

“Shh,” Lightning hushed her, before allowing another deep kiss that caused a needy whimper to escape the back of Serah’s throat. “Don’t beg me,” she demanded softly, her now free hand that lied between her sister’s thighs beginning to gently caress her through her panties. “You know I’ve never wanted anything more than to make you happy, Serah…” And that was the crux of it, in the end. And so as Lightning felt her walls and her rationality shatter beneath the weight of their shared desire, she began to stroke the length of Serah’s fabric-covered slit as she kissed her lips, her cheek, her forehead. “I just hope that this is it…”

“It is,” Serah panted, grasping onto her sister’s night shirt as she ground her hips into Lightning’s hand. “Maker, _it is…_ ” She exhaled a shuddered moan then before she pressed her lips against hers, kissing her with such an intense wave of passion that it was rushed, sloppy, and desperate. Serah wanted to devour her; to just take her in a blind wave of need as they reached and grasped for one another, but Lightning had been waiting for this her entire life, and wanted to remember each and every moment of it.

Lightning hushed her again as they broke, the sound being breathed against Serah’s skin as she tried to encourage her to relax. “We have all day,” she whispered against her jaw, before peppering her cheek with soft kisses as her fingers continued to stroke the soaked fabric between Serah’s thighs. “Let me tease you…”

“Your _existence_ teases me,” Serah countered, but did not move to deny Lightning her wishes. The older woman chuckled softly at that as she encouraged Serah to lie flat on her back as she snuggled into her side, their legs tangling together as Lightning continued to stroke her sister gently over her underwear. It was light, barely even any contact at all, but it caused Serah’s hips to twitch as she buried her head in the crook of Lightning’s neck and swore softly, struggling to spread her thighs as wide as they could go.

Lightning’s lips found Serah’s cheek, her jaw, the base of her ear as Serah wove her fingers through rose colored tresses, trying to press her sister completely against her as she gasped at the light, teasing feeling that resonated between her thighs. “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are…?” Lightning breathed, the words etching against Serah’s skin as the younger woman whimpered, pressing her hips into her sister’s hand.

“A pale image compared to you.”

Lightning smiled against the warm flesh of her sister’s neck, feeling Serah’s panties beginning to grow substantially wetter. She allowed a firmer touch then, and Serah careened upwards, her back arching as the grip on Lightning’s hair tightened. “Please,” she begged breathlessly, not having the patience for slow. Lightning had expected as much, but had wanted to try regardless. “Damnit, Claire,” Serah swore, turning her head to place her forehead against her sister’s as she exhaled a shuddered breath. “Please just—just tease me later; let me touch you, let me—”

But Lightning wouldn’t let her finish her sentence as she covered Serah’s lips with her own, shifting to get on top of her as she slipped a knee between her sister’s thighs. In the end, she would always give Serah whatever it was that she wanted. The younger Farron moaned as Lightning pressed her thigh into her damp crotch, the wet fabric leaving a streak against Lightning’s fair skin as she began working on getting her little sister undressed. 

Lightning wanted to take her time removing each article of clothing, exposing every small bit of skin, but Serah was having absolutely none of that. She practically tore Lightning’s own shirt off of her before popping two of the buttons on her own in her haste to get it off. 

Lightning chuckled at her urgency, to which Serah breathed against her lips during heated kisses, “Shut up, I just—I just want you. Claire, I… I want—” But Serah cut herself off as she dropped her gaze, her hands hastily unsnapping Lightning’s bra before she dipped down and allowed her lips to cover one of her achingly hard nipples. Lightning exhaled a hard breath at the feeling, her hand curling in her sister’s hair as Serah pulled on it gently with her teeth.

It seemed the younger woman didn’t exactly know what she wanted through – or wanted too much and didn’t really know where to start – that her mouth began kissing and marking every inch of exposed flesh that she could find, her hands alternating from hastily trying to take off the rest of Lightning’s clothing to feeling up every inch of her that she could reach. In an effort to just get her sister to relax, Lightning helped Serah remove her clothing before removing her own, and as they finally fell into each other, Lightning felt enveloped by her sister’s warmth as she grasped for her hand, tangling their fingers together as she kissed her with every ounce of passion, of love, of loyalty that lied in her heart.

Serah gently cupped her sister’s face as she pulled back just slightly, her words tickling her sister’s lips as she breathed out her awe, “I can’t believe this is really happening…” Her thumb traced Lightning’s bottom lip before the other woman took it into her mouth, kissing the tip as she released it.

“I love you, Serah,” Lightning whispered, needing her to know to know that, even though she was certain Serah already did. But all of her life, she had only devoted her life to one person, and perhaps her sister had been right in believing that they should give all of themselves to one another; as in the end, they had already given each other everything but this. And _this…_ oh, this was far better than Lightning had ever dared hoped it would be, and she was certain that she never, ever wanted to stop.

“Claire, I want…” Serah breathed, guiding their clasped hands between the small sliver between their bodies, resting them between their thighs. The heat that radiated between them was overwhelming.

But Serah paused then, her chest heaving as she caught her sister’s gaze, and Lightning seemed to understand what it was that she was aching for when she asked, “Together?” Serah bit her bottom lip, nodding as she untangled her hand from her sister’s, before sliding her fingers through Lightning’s hot, slick center. The feeling of it caused a deep moan to rip from the back of the older woman’s throat, and then Lightning captured Serah’s lips in a passionate kiss as she followed her sister’s lead.

Her breathing coming out in uneven bursts, Lightning felt her head begin to swim as she finally touched the most intimate part of her sister for the first time. Serah gasped against her lips before kissing her harder, encouraging Lightning to explore as she was as they each slid the pads of their fingers over the other’s clit. Serah’s touched burned her, and the feeling of it consumed Lightning in every possible way as they worked to find their niche, their hips beginning to grind into the back of their hands as they finally found it. 

“Maker, Light— _Lightning,_ ” Serah gasped as Lightning allowed herself to explore a little further, finally slipping into the deep recesses of Serah’s wet heat as she felt the the girl’s muscles clench desperately around her fingers. Serah shuddered, grasping for her sister’s face as she panted out her pleasure against her lips, never once breaking eye contact as she rolled her hips, moved her hand, and allowed her own fingers to find the same home inside of Lightning. 

“— _Fuck,_ ” Lightning gasped as she felt her sister fill her completely, her eyes closing briefly in pleasure. But when she opened them an apologetic look washed over her face and, out of habit, she apologized for her language with, “I’m—I’m sorry.”

“Look at me, Claire,” Serah breathed, gently encouraging Lightning’s eyes to meet her own. “Do I look like an impressionable child anymore?” She twisted her fingers inside of her sister then, causing Lightning to cry out and pitch her head forward, resting her forehead against Serah’s as her breathing came out in ragged bursts. 

“I _want_ to make you scream,” Serah breathed, a smirk crossing her face as suddenly, the little sister Lightning had always seen as innocent turned into one of the wickedest vixens she had ever known. “I _want_ to make you swear…”

Grinding the heel of her palm into Lightning’s clitoris, Serah’s two fingers that were inside of her sister sought out her g-spot, and suddenly Lightning’s porcelain skin flushed a deep rosy hue as she gasped hard, her muscles clenching around her sister’s devious touch. “Shit, Serah…”

Serah grinned wickedly, surging upwards to capture Lightning’s lips in another kiss as suddenly exploratory touching turned into something with a fiery purpose that threatened to devour them both. The force of Serah’s movements caused the girl’s knuckles to hit her pelvic bone with every thrust, but Lightning found she couldn’t care about the pain, as the pleasure far, far outrode it. Lightning panted and gasped against her lips as she sought to bring her sister the same feeling, and every time Serah moaned out her name and grasped the skin of her back, Lightning could feel the fire in the pit of her abdomen grow larger, hotter, and more out of control.

Serah fell first with a shout and a shudder, Lightning following shortly afterwards as every inch of her body was alight with a sensation she had never felt before. It was more than just an orgasm, as Serah was more than just her lover; she was everything, everything that Lightning realized she had been missing as she collapsed against her, feeling almost as though her entire life had led her up to this moment. It was perfection in its purest form, and as Lightning wrapped her arms around her sister and settled completely against her, she knew she would never be able to let her go.

And perhaps, in the end, allowing herself to finally be with Serah didn’t solve all of her problems of self-worth and acceptance, but all the same, it was like this huge burden had lifted off of her heart, and Lightning felt herself smile at the newfound freedom in it. It would still be difficult, maintaining a relationship in secrecy that to so many others would label as taboo, but as Serah’s smile reflected her own as she lightly kissed her sister’s knuckles, Lightning knew she would rip the world out from beneath their feet should it only keep Serah happy, safe, and loved.

And as a sudden sense of childlike joy erupted within her heart at the chance to finally, truly express the greatest love that she had ever known, Lightning finally felt what it was to be whole, as she and Lumina smiled with the same lips, touched with the same hands, and felt the same pull that had always and would always bind the two Farron sisters together.

**THE END**


End file.
